Author: Karen Ortner

As a kid, I had my routine all figured out.

I’d walk home from school, let myself in, then immediately scan the house for potential dangers. Were the dishes done? Was everything neat and tidy? Were there any toilet rolls that needed replacing? Was there anything at all out of place that might set him off when he got home?

On the surface, I probably looked like a “good kid” – diligently doing my chores and being “helpful”. But the truth was far more complex and painful. I wasn’t just tidying up – I was desperately trying to erase any trace of myself – contain the chaos, prevent the next explosion, and keep myself – and everyone else – safe. 😮‍💨

 

Sometimes my hypervigilance worked. Sometimes it didn’t.

I remember one specific night at the dinner table. I felt satisfied with my efforts. Everything was in its place. Things were going ok…

But then, my sister began arguing with my father about something. I can’t remember what. In an instant, my calm crumbled and gave way to feelings of dread, panic and helplessness. 

All my effort had been for nothing. 

I sat there barely breathing; arms motionless under the table, fists balled-up – nails gouging into my palms. On the outside I remained composed, but inside I was freaking out; silently pleading: 

“Please stop. Stop antagonizing him, stop poking the bear – you’re making it worse. Shut up or it WILL end badly for us all…”

I was desperate to keep the peace. Smooth things over. Maintain safety.

I felt angry with my sister for exacerbating things. Why couldn’t she just shut up and be quiet like me? 

 

We’re all hard-wired for safety…

The thing is – our nervous systems don’t consciously “choose” which approach to take when it comes to our survival. They make unconscious, split – second decisions that they believe (based on our own unique lived-experiences) will give us the best chance of survival.

My nervous system favored freeze/fawn/collapse – while hers was geared more towards fight. Our approaches were different, but we shared a common goal – to survive.

We were children. Doing the best we could in a hostile and abusive environment. It was not our fault. 

His “moods”, actions and behaviors were his choice. And no matter how much I prayed, or tried to keep the house tidy and, no matter how hard my sister fought –  no approach would have worked to disarm our father – he was always going to explode..

It was never about the toilet roll, or the broken glass or the spoiled dinner. It was always about his sense of power and control over us.

 

My hyper-vigilance worked just often enough to convince my brain I’d found a solution…

So, while the “good” days lead to unremarkable nights where I’d get to eat dinner, do my homework, and go to bed without incident. Those days were not the norm.

Too many times, my efforts failed – and those “failures” seared themselves into my brain. Each one silently catalogued and added to my mental checklist of things I must do better: sweep-up the crumbs that fell on the floor, hide the chipped dinner plate, stifle that “wrong opinion.”

Over time, my child’s brain and body learned an impossible lesson: “If I can just be good enough, perfect enough, docile enough, I might survive.”

And so, the pattern stuck. 🧠🤔

Maybe you “learned a lesson” like this too,  or recognize a pattern like this in your own life?

Perhaps, like my sister, you tried to fight. Perhaps your “habituated trauma-response” was to flee. It’s so important to understand that – whatever strategies you used to cope and survive back then, are likely still unconsciously impacting you today.

💫Take a moment right now to pause and reflect. How are you impacted by other people’s moods? 

🌿How did you cope back then? 

🌿And are you still coping that same way today?

 

Even now, in times of stress, I can so easily default to hyper-vigilance and people – pleasing…

Even now, decades later, I often find myself – especially in times of stress – acutely aware of people’s moods, their tone of voice, their body language. I sense tension in a room before a word is spoken. If someone nearby is upset – even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me – my brain, body and nervous system kick into high gear.

I can feel the familiar urgency rising up inside me, urging me to smooth things over, lighten the mood, or take responsibility for something that was never mine to begin with.

Perhaps you can relate to this too?

⚠️ Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around certain people?

⚠️ Do you apologize often – even when something isn’t your fault?

⚠️ Are you hyper-aware of other people’s stress, moods and emotions?

⚠️ Do you feel personally responsible for fixing things or making others feel better?

⚠️ Does someone else’s bad day instantly become your emergency to solve?

If you’re nodding along, please know that your nervous system is simply doing what it learned to do to survive. And it did help you survive. 💛

 

The Survival Pattern of Hyper-Responsibility

For so many trauma survivors, our hyper-awareness of others’ emotions isn’t a character flaw or weakness – it’s an adaptive survival skill that protected us when we needed it most.

As children, we were wired to read between the lines, anticipate danger, and adjust our behavior to avoid conflict or punishment. When our home environments were unpredictable or volatile, we learned:

💥 If I can keep things “just right,” maybe they won’t explode

💥 If I can please them or make them happy, maybe I’ll be safe

💥 If I can just stay alert – stay one step ahead – then maybe I can prevent the worst from happening. Maybe the other shoe won’t drop…

And here’s the thing that keeps this pattern so firmly entrenched: sometimes it did work. Not always, but just enough that our brains and nervous systems internalized this as a necessary strategy for survival.

As an adult, this old pattern has shown up for me around the idea of conflict. 

Back then – arguments, like the one at the dinner table, felt – and were – excruciatingly unsafe to me. For a long time this fear impacted my marriage, causing me to avoid disagreements and “conflict” with my husband, Alex. 

Even though I knew consciously that he was a safe person, I’d find myself scanning his face and body for signs of “displeasure”. 

Was his brow furrowed? Did he sigh in exasperation? Was his tone sharp? 

I’d constantly ask him “are you mad at me?” And, if we ever did have an argument, it would send me into a downward spiral of panic and despair. 

He would feel relief at getting something off his chest and clearing the air – understanding that arguments are sometimes a necessary part of a healthy relationship. 

But – I’d be deep in a rabbit hole, planning my escape. Where would I live? How would I support myself after the inevitable divorce?! 

Because back then, love was conditional, I still equated conflict today – even a single argument – with the end of the marriage. Rejection, abandonment, withdrawal of love. 

As a child, love was contingent on my best behavior – requiring perfection, and compliance. Disagreement on the other hand, meant danger, threat and punishment.

Can you see how this childhood pattern found its way into my marriage? 

Fortunately, over the years we’ve worked on this a lot together. Yes, the pattern still rears its head from time to time, mostly when I’m stressed or triggered by other things, but it’s so much better!  And – our ability to recognize it for what it was – an old safety mechanism – was the first step towards healing this pattern.🥰

 

How This Pattern Shows Up in Our Adult Lives

Even when we’re no longer in danger and the threats from our past are gone, these survival patterns don’t simply disappear. For adult survivors of childhood trauma, they can continue to show up in our daily lives: 

💥 You take on emotional labor in relationships, feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy.

💥 You struggle to let people feel their discomfort without trying to solve it for them.

💥 You avoid conflict at all costs – even at the expense of your own needs. 

💥 You feel anxious when someone is upset, even if it has nothing to do with you.

If you’re recognizing yourself in these descriptions, what I really want you to hear and understand today is that – you are not broken and there is hope. 

Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe back then. 🌷💕

As adults, however, we can begin to understand:

🌱 Other people’s moods and emotions are not our responsibility.

🌱 We don’t have to prevent every conflict to be safe.

🌱 We are allowed to exist without “managing” the world around us.

 

 

You Are Allowed to Be Free Now

For so long, I believed that keeping the peace was my job, my responsibility. That, if I could just manage things perfectly, I could somehow control the chaos around me.

It’s taken me years to really understand and embody the fact that this chaos was never mine to control in the first place.

If you’ve carried a weight like this too, please know:

🌱 You don’t have to fix everything to be worthy of love.

🌱 Other people’s emotions are not your responsibility to manage.

🌱 You are allowed to exist without managing the world around you.

And if that feels scary to even think about this – that’s okay too.💕

You don’t have to release old patterns and ways of coping all at once. You don’t have to “stop” overnight.

And if you do feel at all anxious or overwhelmed by this, perhaps try starting with just one small step. One breath. One moment where you remind yourself:

“I am safe right here, right now. This burden is not mine to carry. I get to put it down now, even if only for a moment.”

I’d love to know how this pattern of taking responsibility for others’ emotions has shown up in your life? 

What’s one small way you’re practicing releasing this responsibility? Leave a comment below—I read every one. 💛

I see you my friend! I honor your journey, and I’m here walking this path right alongside you. 🌷☀️

 

(Plus 5 Simple Steps to Help Trauma Survivors Begin to Reclaim Their Voice and Their Freedom)

For a long time I thought I was free. But when a single blog post unleashed an avalanche of anger, I found myself trapped and silenced again — this time, by my own fear of repercussions.

Today, I’d like to share a story with you about how this fear kept me (as it does so many trauma survivors) stuck and silent and how I’m finally breaking free (and more importantly – how you can too!) 🥰 

 

Where it began…

In 2012, I was pregnant with Olivia, the youngest of our three children. 

I was already pretty low-contact with my family-of-origin, having moved from England to the US after my mum died in 2005. 

Moving here created enough safety within my body and nervous system for me to begin my own healing journey.

But, the prospect of a visit from my father, late into my pregnancy, caused me to re-evaluate my boundaries and my level of familial contact.

 

I had to ask myself some painful questions:

💔 Did I want him to have access to my children? 

💔 Was he willing to NOT drink during visits?

💔 Would I feel safe letting him spend time alone with my children (And if not – why not?)

💔 Would I allow him to talk to or treat them the way he had treated me as a child?

💔 Was there a real – or potential – risk he could harm them in the ways he’d harmed me as a child? 

💔 Was it serving my children for me to maintain contact with him out of fear, just because “I should”?

The answer to all of these questions was a resounding “NO!” 

After a lot of reflection, I wrote my father a letter inviting him to take ownership of his past abusive behavior. 

Deep down, I know I was hoping for the impossible – an apology and reconciliation. 🥺

When his reply came, however, he made his feelings clear. He was not willing to discuss past events and he did not feel anything needed to change going forwards. His response to the issues I raised:

“That’s not what happened”

“That’s not how I remember it”

“The past is in the past”

“Why can’t you just move on”

“I thought I was a good father”…

It was the jolt I needed. I finally knew for certain that I would never get the apology I longed for, or have the loving, safe father – daughter relationship that I dreamed of.

 

A difficult choice to make…

I wanted so badly to be a “good daughter.” I didn’t want to “rock the boat”, be the black-sheep or “bad-mouth the family.” I wanted a family, I wanted roots and shared history. But at what cost?

I simply could not continue to silence myself; to deny my feelings, my memories or my truth in order to keep the peace.  

I made the choice to protect my children (and myself) and end all future contact with my father. ❤️‍

 

Moving on – I made peace with my choice as best I could and began to find my voice.

Although I still grieved the loss of the idea of family, especially around holidays and special occasions, I had chosen my truth over the gaslighting, and my healing over the hope that he would ever make amends or change.

I built my private practice helping other survivors, raised my kids and for the most part kept a low profile.

Little by little my confidence grew. I developed my voice, I became a little more visible, a little more vocal. I did some interviews and presentations and shared snippets of my story and healing journey to help others begin to heal too. 

 

But one day an avalanche of anger hit that sent my old fear of repercussions into overdrive.

I wrote a blog post that struck a raw nerve and caused intense backlash from my only remaining birth-family-members: 

🚫 “You’re a liar.”

🚫 “Keep your mouth shut – or you will be punished.”

🚫 “Stop tarnishing the family name.”

🚫 “How dare you speak out against us”

Although I had done a LOT of healing work by this time and knew consciously that I was safe, my body, brain and nervous system did not feel safe at all! 😰

I was terrified. My nervous system was no longer tethered to the here and now. I was fully back then – stuck in an emotional flashback. And, back then, as a child, I WAS punished. 

Punished for existing and for being me. Punished for speaking up. Punished for remembering. Punished for refusing to uphold the facade of our perfect, “happy” family.

Back then, the repercussions were real. My body and nervous system’s fear in the here and now was well-founded.

 

The Price of Healing and Freedom…

For me – as for so many trauma survivors – an integral part of the healing journey is learning to find and trust our voice and our truth. 

But, oftentimes, self-expression and “having a voice” comes at a cost: a visceral and deeply ingrained sense of danger.

The mind says: “It’s over now.”
But the body and nervous system say: “Stay silent, or you will suffer.”

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If speaking up once led to abandonment, punishment or further abuse — why wouldn’t our survival brain still see it as a threat today?

Following my blog post and the anger it elicited, I cut all remaining contact with my family-of-origin.

But despite this – or perhaps because of it – I experienced MONTHS of awful flashbacks and nightmares in which I was relentlessly chased and attacked. 

One was so vivid that I woke, gasping and choking, paralyzed with fear, trying desperately to scream. In it, my mother — long deceased — stood over me, forcing me to drink noxious chemicals as punishment for speaking out. 

Each night the method of attack was different, but the messaging was consistent and clear: “Shut up, or else…”

 

Would I ever escape this? Would I ever be free? I felt defeated and futile and I shut down, just as I had as a child.

My drive, my passion and purpose evaporated. I stopped speaking up. I stopped writing blogs, I stopped posting online. I even stopped working with clients. I sank into depression and a functional freeze response.

It felt like my abusers had won – like fear of repercussions had won. 

My experience is sadly not unique. This is the burden of the fear and silence carried by so many trauma survivors.

 

Reclaiming Your Voice — Gently, and at Your Own Pace

If you’ve ever felt like fear was keeping you stuck, like every step forward left you looking over your shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, please know that you are not alone. And you are not broken. 

Back then, we learned to equate speaking up with punishment. So it makes perfect sense if it still feels challenging or even dangerous for us to do today. But – healing is possible. 😊

 

What’s Helped Me Get Through This (And Can Help You Too..)

This hasn’t been an easy time for me, or an easy blog post to write. 🥺

It’s taken self-compassion and determination to move through my fears of repercussions. And even then, some days I still struggle to find my voice.

It’s always been my intention to share openly and honestly with you about my struggles as well as what’s helped me most.

That’s why I wanted to put together some of the small, supportive steps that helped me move out of futility, release my fears and reclaim my voice – steps that I know can help you too:  🥰

 

Healing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to speak up before you’re ready. It means gently and gradually building safety — step by step — so that you can truly live freely and thrive in your life today.

I see you my friend. I honor your courage. And I’m walking this path right beside you. 🌷

Karen

 

P.S. If this post resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever stayed silent out of fear? What’s one small way you’re practicing reclaiming your voice? Leave a comment below — I read every one. 💛

 

(How developmental trauma and attachment wounding shapes us and how we can begin to trust again…)

Trust is the foundation of every relationship.

But what happens when that foundation is broken in our early years?

When I was very little, maybe 3 or 4 years old, my mum would walk to pick me up from pre – school. I relished that time with her because for a few minutes, I had her all to myself. Just the two of us. 💕

Trotting home beside her, my little hand in hers – I was happy. Most days, the chatter was neutral and unremarkable:

“What did you learn?”

“Who did you sit with at lunch?” 

“Did you color any pictures?”

But then there were the other days. 

Days that filled me with dread so visceral that even thinking about it today makes my heart pound and panic spike.

Those were the days when my mum would play the “who are you” game.

“Normal Mummy” would vanish – replaced by “Strange-Mummy”. 

She would yank her hand away from mine, look down at me and demand:

“Who are you? “I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you before.”

Flustered and confused I would plead:

“I’m your little girl, I’m… I’m Karen.”

And on it would go. She would tell me again and again that she’d never seen me before, didn’t know me and would not be bringing me – a stranger- home to “her house”. 

I tried to convince her that I was her child. Wracking my brain for proof, I rattled off every detail I could think of about our lives, the house, the family. But nothing could persuade her..

To her – I was an imposter, a total stranger – NOT her child.

Panic overtook me and my heart sank under the weight of rejection:

“Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s not my mother. I must be mistaken.”

I asked: 

“But where will I live, eat, sleep? Who will take care of me?”

I was sobbing by now. Dizzy, confused, shaking:

“Where IS MY mummy? Do I even have a mummy? “Where do I go, what do I do now?” 

I could not make sense of it at all.

She seemed to find my distress thrilling and amusing. She burst out laughing at me as I tried hard to understand what was so funny. 

Without pause, she walked on as if nothing had happened.

My brain was spinning. It was too much for me to understand.

Looking back, I’m still filled with horror for the younger me who had to play this “game” on a regular basis.

The uncertainty of never knowing which version of my mother would show up at pre-school pick-up. Having to plead with, and try to convince her of my name and my identity. Begging to be “claimed”, taken home, given food and a place to sleep left an indelible mark.

I was too young to consciously understand that this was a de-stabilizing tactic used in many abusive homes. 

But, what I felt unconsciously, was an excruciating understanding and awareness that my identity, my place in the world – and love itself – was conditional and unstable. 

Love and care (foundational building blocks of secure attachment) could be taken away any moment. This, coupled with all the other kinds of developmental trauma (mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse) that I experienced as a child made trusting myself, let alone other people, feel almost impossible and fraught with danger.

Moments like these—where love, safety, and identity are called into question—shape how we attach to others for the rest of our lives.

 

Take a moment to reflect upon your own upbringing.

Perhaps you can relate to this kind of instability and uncertainty in your own upbringing. It may have looked a little different for you, but take a moment to reflect on how certain moments or experiences impacted your own ability to trust others (or yourself). 

❓Did you feel loved and cared for unconditionally?

❓Was there a consistent and stable primary-caregiver in your life – someone you could turn to and rely on?

❓ Were there any stand-out moments where you felt let down – like your trust was shattered or betrayed?

 

What Happens When Trust is Broken In Childhood?

For many people growing up in unstable or abusive environments, primary caregivers are not safe, consistent or loving. As a result, our nervous system adapts, learning to survive in a world that can feel volatile and dangerous.

From an attachment perspective, our earliest relationships shape our expectations of safety, connection, love and trust.

• If our caregivers are loving, attuned to our needs, and safe, we develop a secure attachment—trusting that people will be there for us as and when we need them. We can focus on growing and thriving in the world.
• If however, our caregivers are unpredictable, neglectful, or abusive, we develop insecure attachment—struggling to trust others, regulate our emotions, or feel safe and loved in relationships of all kinds. Instead of growing and thriving, we become stuck in survival. 

 

These adaptive coping strategies and insecure attachment styles include:

❌ Avoidant attachment – Characterized by Hyper Independence: 

“I can’t rely on others. No one is coming to help me or save me. I have to do everything myself.”

❌ Anxious attachment – Characterized by People Pleasing & Self-Blame: 

“What if I had drawn a better picture at school. What if I’d been a better kid. I need to do better and keep people happy, or they’ll disown me or leave me.”

❌ Disorganized attachment – Characterized by Difficulty Trusting Love:

“I crave connection, but I can’t trust people –  they feel dangerous to me.” This one is a biggie for me. Even after 18 years of marriage, when I’m triggered, I still ask my husband: “Are you mad at me…?”

** It’s important to note that you might recognize yourself in one or more of these styles of insecure attachment. That simply means that you unconsciously adapted to your environment in varying ways – according to whatever gave you the best chance of survival in the moment.**

 

 

If there’s ONE thing I want you to understand and take away today, it’s this:

Whatever your primary attachment style – please know that it is NOT a character flaw or failing. It is a survival strategy that your nervous system developed back then to keep you safe. 🥰

But, as adults, these same strategies can keep us stuck, isolated, anxious and exhausted.

Being able to trust after trauma is not as simple as shifting your mindset. 

It’s about learning to understand and work compassionately and gently with a deeply wired nervous system response that developed before we even had words for what was happening.

 

 

Healing After the Shattering of Trust

If you struggle to trust others, doubt love, or feel like you have to do everything alone, you are not broken! ❤️

Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do back then to keep you safe.

Healing trust isn’t about forcing yourself to trust people blindly—it’s about retraining your body and nervous system to feel safe again – or perhaps for the very first time.

 

💛 Step 1: Understand That Trust is Not All or Nothing
As trauma survivors, we tend to see trust as black and white: Either I trust fully, or I don’t trust at all.

But trust exists on a continuum. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing leap.

🌱 Try this:

• Notice who in your life is consistent. Who follows through on what they say?
• Begin by trusting them with small things.
• Let yourself test trust safely – one person, one tiny step at a time.

 

🌱 Somatic Awareness Practice:

• Close your eyes and take a deep breath.
• Think of a small, safe moment of trust in your life (a kind gesture, a friend checking in, someone keeping a promise-however small).
• Notice how your body reacts as you think about that moment—Do you tense up? Do you soften? Do you take a slightly deeper breath? Notice anything at all that shifts within you.

Rebuilding trust starts here—by noticing what even the smallest moment of trust feels like in your body.

 

💛 Step 2: Build Self-Trust First
When we grow up with gaslighting, manipulation, or emotional abuse, we learn to doubt our own feelings, perceptions, memories and even our sanity.

We overthink. We second-guess. 

Before we can begin trusting others, we need to practice trusting ourselves first—even in the smallest ways.

🌿 Try This:

• The next time you make a decision, pause before seeking external validation.
• Ask yourself: “What do I feel in my body? What do I want to do?”
• Place your hands on your heart or belly and breathe.
• Start by honoring small choices—choosing what to eat, when to rest, whatever feels right to you.
• Notice how it feels to listen to and honor yourself—even in tiny ways.

When I first started learning to trust myself – my instincts, my needs, my wants – I found an exercise called “fussy baby” extremely helpful.

How the “Fussy Baby” Exercise works:

Take a moment to pause. Wherever you are. Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” Perhaps you might say:

“I need a nap, a glass of water, or to read a chapter of my book under a cozy blanket.” 

Or maybe you might really need and want to move your body in some way. Or maybe your room feels cold and you’d like to turn the heat up or grab a blanket.

The important thing isn’t so much what you choose – it’s that you begin to pay attention and listen to yourself – about all things – no matter how big or small they might be.

 

💛 Step 3: Recognize That Hyper-Independence is a Trauma Response
Self-reliance is a strength—until it becomes a pattern we can’t break.

When we refuse to ask for help, we can reinforce the belief that we are alone.

🌱 Somatic Awareness Practice:

• Try noticing what happens in your body when you ask for help.
• Does your chest tighten? Do you feel fearful or like you’re “bothering” someone?
• Instead of pushing the feeling away, notice what happens when you get curious—“Where did I learn this behavior?”

Healing means learning to receive help and support (starting with tiny ways).

Ask yourself – “what would happen if I did ask for help?”

Start with something tiny. 

When I tried this for the first time, I asked my son to make me a cup of tea. 

The look of pride and joy on his face was incredible. I finally understood that helping me made him feel good. 

Now I’ve graduated to asking for help with laundry, dishes and all manner of other tasks and projects. It’s not always easy and I do sometimes revert to old messaging in times of stress, but I’ve come a very long way for sure! 🌱😀

What’s one tiny thing you could ask for help with today? It might not feel immediately safe or comfortable, but by starting small – with our safest people – we can gradually re-train our body, mind and nervous system to understand that we are safer now. People are safer now. 🥰

 

💛 Step 4: Release Self-Blame with Tapping
If you blame yourself for what happened back then, your nervous system may be stuck in a loop of self-protection.

Tapping is a powerful way to release self-blame and start to open up to the idea and possibility of trust.

Set-Up Statement:
“Even though I struggle to trust, and I feel safer relying only on myself, I am open to the possibility of healing.”

As you tap, remind yourself and consider:
🌿 “What happened to me was not my fault.”

🌿 “I was just a child trying to survive.”
🌿 “I can begin to trust myself again, one step at a time.”

🌿 “What if some people could be trustworthy now?”

 

 

Final Thoughts: Trust Can Be Rebuilt

If trust feels impossible right now, please know that you are not alone.

Healing trust is a gradual process. It’s not something that will happen overnight. But with time, patience and small, safe steps, trust can be rebuilt (or built for the very first time!)

Healing trust is about:

✔️ Learning to trust yourself first.
✔️ Taking small steps with safe people.
✔️ Releasing old patterns of self-blame.

Please remember:

You deserve to feel safe.
You deserve relationships that feel secure.
And you are worthy of love.

Sending you so much compassion today. 💛

Karen

 

P.S. I love hearing from you! Leave me a comment here and let me know if you’ve had challenges trusting after trauma and what your biggest takeaway from this post has been. I read every comment. 🥰

 

One of the biggest challenges faced by survivors of abuse and sexual trauma is processing feelings of shame about what happened to us.

So often we can blame ourselves, thinking we could or should have done something differently.

We hold on to the belief that “if only I’d…then…” because it gives us some sense of control over our experience.

We tell ourselves things like: “If I’d fought back then maybe I could have escaped”. Or “If I’d been better or smarter or more lovable then this never would have happened..”

Holding on to shame and the belief that what happened to us was “our fault”, can preserve a sense of agency and hope; keeping us from spiraling into despair.

Shame and self blame may have kept us alive back then – but it’s likely keeping us stuck today.

This is why it’s so important for us to begin to release this old belief; letting go of shame and acknowledging that what happened was never our fault.

We did not cause the abuse, nor could we have prevented it.

As we sit with this difficult truth, we also have to sit with the grief and hopelessness that there was nothing we could have done to change or prevent what happened to us.

I know it may feel challenging, but this can be a gradual and gentle process.

As you tap along with me today, please know that releasing even 1% of this shame and self blame – will make a big difference in your life! 😃

Your courage in creating a safe space to grieve will in turn bring new hope and possibilities to your life.

Leave a ♥ if you’re ready to release shame and breathe a little deeper.

Sending you so much love and compassion today! 🌷🌱

Does the thought of packing for a trip fill you with anxiety? Do you put it off until the last possible second only to beat yourself up later for not being more prepared or organized?

If so, read on to uncover what’s really going on (hint – it’s probably not about the packing), and to learn my top tips to help you process past traumas, release stress and enjoy your travels more…

 

Truth be told – I hate packing!

Even though I became aware of my anxiety and packing-procrastination several years ago, I buried my head and refused to explore what was really going on…until now!

After our most recent family trip over spring break however, I came to the conclusion – finally – that enough was enough!

Perhaps it was the torrential rains, high winds, tornado warnings, flash-floods, flight cancellations or being trapped in an airport for 20+ hours, but something tipped me over the edge.

I realized that no matter how prepared or organized I was in my packing, there are some things you just cannot plan for – or control.

As a complex trauma survivor, I experienced emotional, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse throughout childhood. Fueled by campsite-anonymity, my father’s drinking and abusive behavior escalated. Far from evoking feelings of relaxation, excitement or joy, childhood vacations filled me with anxiety and dread.

 

I wonder if you can relate?

Perhaps you experienced something similar? Maybe you experienced the loss of a loved one or pet while on vacation? Or some other bad thing happened while you were away having fun – and on some level you’re still bracing for a repeat of that bad thing today?

The reality is that to help us better understand what can cause our present-day challenges in this area, we have to look at the origins of our vacation-anxiety…

 

A Cornish Seaside Village…

For me as a kid growing up in England, our annual family vacation was a trip to a Cornish seaside village. Every summer, we’d pile into the back of our Cavalier saloon car with our wafer-thin suitcases stacked behind us and a giant tent strapped to the roof. My dad drove us the 10+ hours from Yorkshire (in the North) down to the South Coast, not a short trip by UK standards.

The highly unrealistic and fear-inducing expectation was that everything would run absolutely smoothly; with sunshine, fish and chips, ice cream and a cheery veneer glazed over gritted teeth and frozen smiles: “this is our hard-earned vacation so everything has to go perfectly”.

Did I mention the “cheery veneer”? Or the unwieldy cracks that appeared in it with each passing mile we drove?

Yes, there were the usual sibling squabbles. Who got to lay in the footwell (travel pre-seat belt laws did have its perks), “you’re leaning on me, you’re chewing too loud, I have  to pee, are we there yet”, etc etc…

But there was a darker under-tone too; of stress and pressure-brewing and building in that car, that everyone felt but no one dared mention.

No one knew what the trigger might be, but you could be certain that anything short of plain-sailing spelled disaster.

Here are just a few of the impossible travel rules that governed my childhood:

• There must be no traffic, but if there is traffic, our lane must be moving the fastest.
• Mum must simultaneously be chief navigator, peace-keeper, entertainer and  snack provider.
• Children must act as secondary navigators – eyes peeled and vigilant for *helpful* street signs.
• We must not take a wrong turn or get lost; our arrival time to get the tent up in daylight is set in stone.
• The weather must co-operate for the entirety of the trip, but if it does rain or is windy or cold (aka typical British weather), we will go to the beach in sweaters and raincoats; eat sandy sandwiches and never complain
• All complaints will be “dealt with” swiftly – no exceptions.
• Tents are magical and soundproof – no one may hear or acknowledge any of the abuse going on inside.

 

As you can imagine, these rules were impossible to adhere to.  And that is the crucial  takeaway here:

No matter how hard I tried, dad’s explosive, spewing rage was inevitable. His volatility could not be predicted, prepared for or evaded.

As a kid, I was powerless to control or divert my dad’s rage and vacations were spent tip-toeing through the trip-wires of his mind.

As a grown up, it took the weather events of this last trip for me to break my old trauma-pattern and finally understand how desperately I’d been trying to organize and pack my way out of the vacation-fear and helplessness that I’d felt back then.

My procrastination, endless list-making and frenzied packing today had all been an emotional flashback to little girl me attempting to avoid his abuse. That was my story, let’s explore yours…

 

That Was My Story – What’s Yours? Let’s Explore to Find & Release Your Travel Anxiety…

The above gives you a glimpse into what was causing my travel anxiety, which will hopefully bring forward some insights around what may be causing yours.

Let’s see if we can get some more clarity on this together, because once we understand that our present-day anxiety around packing and travel is likely being triggered by events from our past, we can begin to take steps to improve things going forwards…

 

Step 1: Get as specific as possible about what’s causing your anxiety.

Remember – in its simplest terms, ANXIETY is a worry that we’re feeling in the present moment about something we fear may happen in the future because of something we experienced in the past.

For example, is your anxiety being caused by:

The idea of upcoming travel itself?
A fear or lack of certainty about where you’re going or what to expect when you get there?
The decisions around what to pack for a specific event or location (such as a wedding or traveling to a place with different religious or cultural beliefs, rituals or clothing?)
The desire/need to plan and pack for all eventualities (such as travel with young children or someone with allergies?)

 

Step 2: Notice how your anxiety is showing up:

Once you’ve been able to uncover what’s causing your anxiety, it’s important to get curious about how this anxiety is showing up for you.  Are you:

• Putting off or procrastinating packing til the last minute?
• Overpacking things you know deep down you’ll never need or use (think 6 workout outfits, 17 dresses, 5 purses and 4 novels for a weekend trip).
• Making endless lists either to put off starting to pack or as an attempt to calm anxiety symptoms during the packing process?
• Feeling agitated and picking fights with loved ones?
• Having physical, bodily symptoms of anxiety that prevent you from packing, preparing or perhaps even going on the trip altogether (think GI issues, chronic pain flare-ups, nausea, panic attacks, illnesses).

 

Step 3: Make a list of past events or memories that are likely the root cause of your anxiety:

Now that you have a little more clarity about what aspects of the packing process or travel are causing you anxiety, you can begin to look at the root beneath.

Take a moment to reflect on your own childhood travel experiences and ask yourself if there are any moments, memories or events in your life (childhood or possibly more recent past) that could be linked to your current-day anxiety around packing and travel?

Without questioning or judging what comes up, take a couple of minutes to jot down anything that comes to mind.

 

Step 4: Use your list from Step 3 to Tap on and release past traumatic, travel-related events or memories.

Become aware of how thinking about each event or memory affects you physically.

Does your heart race? Do you feel constriction in your chest? Do you feel foggy or spacey or unable to focus? If so, you can name these kinds of sensations and fold them in to your tapping.

One by one, go through your list of events (created in step 3) and gently and gradually tap to release the anxiety around them. As you do this, perhaps choosing one event or memory per day, you will find that the stress, anxiety and overwhelm you feel about packing and traveling will begin to lessen.

Without a doubt, traveling as a trauma survivor does present a unique set of challenges, that are most often rooted in the experiences that have shaped us.

But, unlike back then, we are no longer helpless to empower ourselves or to change how we feel today. It is possible to work through these challenges and past traumas so that we can enjoy the experience of exploring new places and creating new memories.

 

I know it will probably take a little time for you to explore and practice these strategies, and figure out which ones are most helpful for you.

But the truth is that by understanding the connection and correlation between your trauma response, packing anxiety and procrastination, and by implementing these simple steps and tips, you can begin to make the whole process of packing and traveling a lot less arduous, a lot more manageable and perhaps even fun!

With a little effort and patience, you will start to see travel through a different lens. And I know if I can do it, so can you! 😊

I love hearing from you, so if you’ve experienced anxiety around travel or packing, please leave a comment letting me know which tip you found most helpful.

 

Today – Mother’s Day here in the US – is an important day and an incredibly important topic – especially for those of us who’ve experienced childhood, developmental or attachment trauma.

For some, this day may be a wonderful celebration. Perhaps you have a loving, healthy, fulfilling relationship with your mother or a mother figure in your life. If so, I wish you a joy-filled day of celebration. 🥰

But I also know that for many others (perhaps someone you love if not you), this day can be extremely complex; bringing up all kinds of feelings from pain and anger to sadness, grief and longing.

For those of us who fall into this latter category, I want to stress one thing above all: there is no right or wrong way to feel today.

Perhaps you never had a mother figure, or had one who was or is abusive. Maybe you’re estranged or perhaps your mother is no longer living.

Every year, the media presents idyllic images and a narrative of happy families with gifts and cards filled with gushing sentiment. But what about those of us for whom there is no card, no words to describe our relationship?

We can be left isolated on the outskirts, filled with anger, guilt and shame.

If Mother’s Day is a time of sorrow or difficulty for you, here are 6 tips to help you navigate this challenging time:

 

1) Practice Self Care:

It’s so important to take care of yourself today. This could mean taking a long bath, going for a hike, reading a book, or doing anything else that brings you respite, comfort or peace. You are allowed to make your needs a priority today.

 

2) Allow Yourself to Feel:

Whatever emotions come up for you today, allow yourself to be with them, to witness them and feel them without judging yourself. I know this can be challenging, and we often want to distract ourselves to avoid feeling our grief or anger for example. But even just a couple of minutes of feeling can bring us so much relief.

 

3) Tap:

Yes – my favorite! ☺️ Maybe you feel especially irritable with those around you today. This can often be a sign that there’s something waiting to be felt and processed – and a little tapping could be really helpful in doing this safely.

 

4) Establish Boundaries:

It’s absolutely ok to say no to activities that could cause you emotional distress today. If you’ve been invited to a family gathering, but know it will be too difficult for you, it’s ok to decline – even if you’ve already agreed to go! Your emotional well-being matters, so if you do decide to see family, please take any and all breaks that you need.

 

5) Seek Out Support:

Very often on days like today, we can feel so alone. It takes courage, but please reach out to a friend, coach or other trusted person for support. Sharing your feelings with someone who can listen with compassion can be incredibly validating and healing.

 

6) Create Your Own Traditions:

If traditional Mother’s Day celebrations are painful for you, you might want to consider creating some new traditions of your own. This could be anything from planting seeds in a veggie garden to honor your personal growth, to painting pottery, to writing in your journal or lighting a fire pit.

Last year, for example, my husband and kids bought me a White Birch sapling and together we planted it to represent my putting down roots with them (as opposed to my family of origin). Doing so was incredibly joyful and healing.  And I get to watch it grow every day.🥰

 

As you navigate this Mother’s Day, please remember that your feelings and experiences are real and valid.

I’ll be thinking of you today and want to remind you that you’re not alone. I see you and I honor you.

I love hearing from you, so please leave a comment below letting me know if you struggle with Mother’s Day and if this blog post helped. 😀

Karen

I have to be honest – these past few weeks have been a struggle.

A little while ago, I stopped working with clients one-on-one to create the space to, well, create. I’m not a natural born entrepreneur (if those unicorns even exist) and what I’ve been finding most challenging is managing my time, my projects and my work flow.

There are endless distractions every single day, from a random snow day to a call from the school nurse to pick up a sick child, to half days and school conferences. And that doesn’t even factor-in trying to get enough sleep (hello peri-menopause), exercise regularly or stay on top of running a busy household.

They say that if you want to get something done, ask a busy person and I guess that’s partly true. When I was working with clients, I’d be on calls all day then squeeze in the other aspects of running my business, plus all the mom stuff and home life after hours too.

But now, that I’ve created the space and time I thought I needed, why am I no closer to reaching my goals?

• Why does it feel like no matter what I do, I just can’t break this creative deadlock?
• Why do I feel so un-relentingly trapped and paralyzed by my own thoughts?
• Why does it feel like the more I struggle, the tighter the tangled-web becomes?
• And why, despite all my tools and knowledge can’t I just get out of my own way, sit my butt down and write?!

I’ve pondered this a lot.

In doing so…

 

I’ve become painfully aware of the very loud and intrusive critical inner-voice that loves to wake me at 3am…

To go over every possible fear and catastrophic outcome, and then interrupt any daytime flow I do create with a debilitating barrage of insults and limiting beliefs.

These insults, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs are far-ranging, though repetitive, and include some of the following:

• “You suck”
• “You’ll never succeed”
• “Who the hell do you think you are?”
• “You don’t know what you’re doing”
• “You don’t have the skills you need”
• “You’re too old”
• “It’s too late”
• “No one cares or wants to hear what you have to say anyway”
• “Why even bother…”

and so on. Perhaps you have a similar critical inner-voice running rough-shod through your head too…

What’s become clear to me though, is that it really isn’t about the distractions or obstacles we face in our daily lives at all.

It’s not the amount (or lack) of hours in a day, my ability to “be productive”, get stuff done or figure things out. I’m an intelligent woman and I do believe when the chips are down I can solve any problem.

No.

 

It’s actually the much deeper, unconscious, trauma-related issues and patterns…

The critical voice, the limiting beliefs, the need to protect myself by staying small, that have been fueling my paralysis and keeping me stuck these past weeks.

Not only do I really need to explore this today, but I have a feeling that you may be experiencing this kind of thing in some areas of your own life too! ❤️

Perhaps for you, the challenge is around de-cluttering your home or finishing your college thesis. Maybe you find yourself staring at a stack of un-opened bills every night, too scared to face your mounting debt-crisis. Maybe you struggle to stay on track with eating healthily or exercising. Or maybe your struggle is around broaching some tough conversations in your intimate relationship.

Whatever it is for you, I know you can relate to some part of this, and I also know that if you’re reading this, you’re giving yourself the gift of understanding. And that’s fantastic – because it’s only when we become consciously aware of the patterns we’ve been running that we can begin to change them and move forwards in our life.

 

When you’re playing a never-ending game of whack-a-mole with your limiting beliefs… 

In a nutshell, limiting beliefs are repetitive, typically negative, thoughts that do not serve us. They disempower us, make us feel bad about ourselves, and can cause us to spiral downwards into futility and depression and if left un-checked, can keep us feeling stuck indefinitely.

In my case, instead of spending my days abuzz with creativity, I’ve found myself staring at blank pages, wondering where to begin and questioning if I should even bother because chances are “it’ll be garbage anyway”….

Can you spot the downward spiral?! 🤯 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Limiting beliefs typically feel like facts…

The challenge is that although it’s easy to recognize these patterns in other people, the critical inner voice that speaks these limiting beliefs to us can be stealth-like and very sneaky. It often sounds like the sensible voice of reason, just stating facts.

Take a second to think about a challenge in your life right now and see if you can spot any of the limiting beliefs your inner critic might be whispering to you? You can use my list above if it’s useful… ☺️

To help you understand this further, let’s take a look at 2 Limiting Beliefs that have been pivotal in my recent struggle to move forwards:

 

1 – Fears Around Financial Success and Abundance.

Way back when I was 22 and starting out in movies as a freelance Script Supervisor, my salary (for 6 months a year working and 6 months traveling) was equivalent to $80,000 US. I remember proudly sharing this with my dad when I got my first paycheck. He was a middle manager at the time and had worked his whole life in a career he did not enjoy. His salary after many years climbing the ladder was less than my 22 year old starting rate. He was NOT in the least bit happy with me and said:

“You can’t earn more than me”.

Now, while I consciously understand that this was coming from a place of anger and frustration regarding his own career-dissatisfaction, what I took away from the conversation was a limiting belief that said:

 

“I’d better not earn more than my dad. He won’t be happy about my success. In fact he’ll be angry and resentful towards me”.

 

Although many years have passed since then and I’ve come a long way in my abundance journey, there’s still a little part of me that fears being too successful. Too abundant. Too anything.

There’s an underlying fear that my success will lead to someone else’s displeasure. And a belief that tells me success comes at a cost. That cost is abandonment and loss of love.

As you can imagine – this is one quick way to ensure you’ll avoid or sabotage anything that might lead to financial abundance or success – in my case – sitting down to write and create.

 

2) Threat of Punishment and Repercussions if You’re Too Happy,  Too Visible, Too YOU:

Growing up in an abusive home environment, there was an energy of constant comparison and belittlement. As a family, we were dis-connected; divide and conquer was the rule. You were docile and controllable if you were sad. Being sad or depressed meant they’d leave you alone. Isolation equalled respite from harm and a moment of relative safety.

There was no one supporting or cheering me on. No words of affirmation, no “you can do it, I believe in you”…

Anger was not allowed. Happy was squashed. Being too “YOU” was rejected, ridiculed and punished. Being good at something or too visible at anything was extremely dangerous and you could be certain there would be consequences.

These were the unspoken rules growing up in my family.

 

Overcoming our childhood limiting beliefs…

I have worked tirelessly to overcome these old belief patterns. Mostly with a great deal of success. ☺️

However, my growth, both personally and professionally brought things to a head recently, culminating in my receiving threats from family members trying to silence me.

I have not spoken about this publicly before, but the impact on me has been profound. And, while I work hard to keep on moving forwards, the threats and fears of repercussions mean that I still struggle to feel safe speaking up (even in written form), and to move forwards towards my goals and dreams.

 

This explains the push-pull paralysis…

Yes, a part of me wants to write, create programs and be visible in the world as a way to help other survivors.

But – there is another part of me desperately pulling in the opposite direction. This desperate part is my critical inner voice. She’s absolutely terrified of the annihilation she believes my being visible will cause. She does not care about my hopes and dreams or happiness. She cares only about my survival.

I share this very personal push-pull struggle today because I know that you may have experienced something similar in your own life and it may help you to know that you are not alone. You are not “unproductive”, “lazy” or “not good enough”. You are simply running some really challenging and conflicting survival-patterns that have been keeping you safe, but also stuck.

 

Take a moment to reflect on the patterns you’ve been running in your own life…

What is it that’s keeping you stuck and why?

If there’s only one thing I want you to take away today it’s this:

 

Our critical inner voice and our old limiting beliefs and patterns are NOT out to get us. They are trying to protect us and keep us safe from harm.

 

These habituated old patterns and old wiring still believe that moving forwards in life (in whatever way that means for you) is dangerous. Staying small, being invisible, being in debt or overweight can feel safer than moving forward into the unknown.

But here’s the thing – the tug of war we feel, this internal struggle to move beyond this old wiring and these old beliefs is really tough to break. But break it we must if we’re ever going to live the life we want and deserve.

 

So HOW can we overcome these limiting beliefs?

Once we recognize the phrases our critical inner-voice tends to use, and we’ve uncovered some old limiting beliefs and patterns, you may think… “what now?”

 

 

Finding your way forward…

You see, it really does come down to which patch of grass we choose to water.

Do you want to keep watering and giving energy to those old, habituated critical thoughts? Or do you want to acknowledge how much that part of you has tried to help you but is now keeping you stuck?

When we can do this we create a way forward that honors this fearful part, without giving them the keys to the car anymore.

You are fully grown. You are your own biggest advocate and cheer-leader and I believe that with a little effort and practice, you can get yourself un-stuck and moving in the right direction again in no time.

I see you and I’m here cheering you on! 🥰

P.S. If you’re still being tough on yourself and you need an extra little boost of support – go here to tap along with me:

We hear a lot about mindful-breathing practices in Trauma Healing.

Perhaps you’re a seasoned Yogi or someone who meditates daily and you find focusing on your breath extremely helpful and calming. If that’s you –  fantastic! 🥰 

Unfortunately, so far, that has not been the case for me. What I’ve come to understand is that for me (as for so many trauma survivors), breath-work can be extremely triggering.

Over the years I’ve tried many forms and techniques with varying degrees of success. I’ve taken all kinds of yoga classes, done guided meditations, shamanic journeys, regressions and trained with Buddhist Monks. After all, breathing practices have been shown to have lots of benefits…

They can help us regulate our Nervous System, bringing us into a parasympathetic state (think rest, repair, digest). They can help improve the quality of our sleep, reduce stress and anxiety levels, help us feel more centered and grounded and can even aid weight loss. They can also help us uncover and work through past traumas.

These techniques include box breathing, diaphragmatic breathing, pranayama and water breathing (to name just a few). All of which can be wonderful, especially when properly learned and practiced correctly.

But all these well-documented benefits do is make me feel like a failure for not getting the same results…

There’s a tremendous amount of stigma and shame attached to the perceived inability to “do it right!” Which can leave people wondering “what’s wrong with me? Why is everyone else so calm when I’m freaking out inside?”

This was exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with my oldest child and I  decided to try Hypno-Birthing, a gentle, natural approach which uses breathing techniques to help the laboring mother relax and remain calm.

When I took the class, one of the lessons was on how to breathe. We were given a basic 4-8 pattern, where you inhale through the nose for 4 and then exhale through the mouth for 8.

Every time I’d practice counting and breathing I’d become increasingly panicky and anxious. The act of counting and trying to “control” or manage my state and breathing brought the usually unconscious, autonomic function to a starkly conscious level.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, when I worked through the experience later with a therapist, I learned that what I was experiencing was a flashback to a past memory of sexual abuse, where strangulation, suffocation and choking were used as forms of manipulation and control.

Trying to control my breathing during my hypo-birthing class and practice, flooded my system with terror. It was the terror I’d felt back then about how easily my breathing could be restricted or stopped and my life taken away. A person, especially a child, can lose consciousness in this way in as little as 10 seconds.

And though this may be unsettling to read, it is unfortunately an extremely common experience among trauma (and particularly sexual abuse) survivors.

 

Why Breath-Work Is Triggering, and Even Counter-Productive, For Some Trauma Survivors...

Focusing on our body can feel unsafe. Some survivors may have experienced medical trauma, sexual trauma, blunt-force trauma or many other kinds of trauma that make connecting with their body and their breath feel unsafe.

When we’re feeling stressed-out, anxious, or having a panic attack – our breathing patterns change. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase. We may feel like our heart is pounding or that we can’t breathe. Our breathing becomes rapid and shallow. Our body is preparing to fight or flee.

In this state, our body needs to take in more oxygen to fuel our muscles and provide them with the burst of energy needed to take action (think of gazelle being startled by and then fleeing from a lion). To bring in the fuel (oxygen) needed to fight or flee, we begin to hyper-ventilate or “over-breathe”.

When people are in this state it often looks like they’re taking “quick  sips of breath” where the focus is predominantly on the inhale.

This kind of breathing pattern throws our blood-gases out of their normal balance. In this state it can feel like we can’t catch our breath. The “quick sips” bring in more and more oxygen, but without a balancing, long-enough exhale, the levels of carbon dioxide in our brain and blood are not properly regulated, creating a deficit of CO2.

The result can leave someone feeling light-headed, dizzy or faint. They may experience blurred vision, numbness or tingling in their extremities and in some cases, the person may pass out.

This is why, when we tell someone who’s in this highly activated or triggered state to “take a breath” (ie-bring in even more oxygen) it can be unhelpful and can even make things worse.

 

So what can we do instead?

If focusing on the breath can increase feelings of panic and anxiety in some trauma survivors, and the very act of hyper-ventilating (or over-breathing) in preparation to fight or flee can exacerbate these feelings, it’s essential that we learn how to break this loop.

There are several super simple and effective ways we can do this.

1) Focus on the Exhale:

When we hyper-ventilate we take in too much oxygen and create a deficit on Carbon Dioxide. This is what can increase the symptoms we discussed earlier like dizziness, blurred vision and racing heart.

• When we can learn to focus primarily on our exhale, we can quickly turn things around, lowering our blood pressure, heart rate and calming our  nervous system.
• You can do this (as I do with my kids when they’re upset) by imagining blowing out a candle.
• Blowing air out through pursed lips until all the air is gone helps to correct the balance of O2 and CO2 in our blood and brain. Which in turn reduces symptoms of hyper-ventilation and panic. Heart rate and blood pressure will return to normal too.
• You can achieve the same goal by imagining blowing away the clouds in the sky – or really any other image that works for you. ☺️

 

2) Let Yourself Sigh:

Similar to focusing on the exhale, when we can allow ourselves to let out a long, audible sigh, we’re removing some of the excess oxygen from our body which helps regulate our nervous system and calm our feelings of anxiety and panic.

 

3) Sing or Hum (in the shower, in the car, anywhere…)

This tip works on a couple of levels. If we put on a song we like, firstly, it can be calming in and of itself. When we add humming or singing, it regulates our nervous system and balances our oxygen levels too! Rarely do we sing when we’re anxious or afraid, so this sends a clear signal to our amygdala that we are safe in the here and now. It lets our body and brain know that we are not in danger. We are safe.

 

4) Visualization is Your Friend.

If we think back to my experience with Hypno-Birthing and how the breathing exercises did not help me – what did?

I did end up using Hypno-Birthing while in labor with all 3 of my children, but I was able to modify the breathing principles to make them work for me. ☺️ In doing so, what I found most helpful was visualization.

Whenever I felt my breath shorten or become ragged with contractions, I focused on visualizing a big red balloon being filled with air.

As I felt each contraction (or surge as they call it) I breathed in to fill and expand the balloon. When I felt ready, I’d let out a looooong exhale and imagine watching the balloon floating away in the sky.

I still did not like counting, but I was able to stay calm and relaxed by finding what worked for me. And you can do this too!

 

5) Dip Your Toe in – Ask Yourself Questions and Get Curious About Why Breath-Work May Be Triggering For You…

From a Somatic standpoint, when we experience a traumatic event (anything that’s too much for us to process or handle in the moment), we may dissociate in order to survive.

Likelihood is that back then, during our past trauma, our body did not feel like a safe place to be. If we were panicky, fearful or anxious, this probably manifested in a fight or flight response which in turn affected our breathing patterns.

This is why for so many trauma survivors, focusing on the breath (or any other physical, bodily sensation) can feel threatening or unsafe.

When we can understand what’s happening in our body and nervous system – and why – it becomes a much less frightening place to be.

Little by little we can come back home to our body and begin to understand why breath-work may have been triggering for us in the past.

 

6) Use Tapping and Somatic Experiencing (SE) to Process and Release Past Traumas:

Over time and using tools like Tapping and Somatic (body) mindfulness, we can learn to sit with and gently observe what’s been triggering this panic or fear response in us.

Just as I learned that I had experienced trauma around strangulation, suffocation and choking during sexual abuse, you can become consciously aware of your past traumas (whatever they may be) and begin to gently and safely process and release them.

It might feel daunting at first, but with these tools and tips, you can begin to feel more empowered – reclaiming your breath and your body so that it can become a safe place to be, perhaps for the first time.

I want you to know that wherever you are on your healing journey – whether you love breath-work, whether you’re completely new to it, or whether it’s been a challenge in the past, there is no right or wrong. There is only a willingness to explore things that can help you continue to move forwards into the life you want and deserve.

Sending you love and compassion today. 🥰

 

P.S. If you managed to catch my presentation on Anxiety during this year’s Tapping World Summit and would love to own it so you can watch it again and again…

Or if you missed it live but would love to catch up, it’s not too late!

You can go here or click the image below to upgrade and own all of this year’s presentations:

 

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊

 

I don’t know about you, but when I first learned Tapping, I could barely bring myself to say, let alone believe the reminder phrase: “I deeply and completely love, accept and forgive myself.”

I’d parrot the words back to my coach (yes – I’m a recovering people-pleaser 😬), all the while wanting to scream:

“No I don’t. I don’t accept me! Me is vile. Me is bad. Me is shameful. Me is unacceptable, unloveable and most certainly, unforgivable.”

Perhaps you can relate to this heavily critical inner voice. The one that adopted and repeats all the negative, nasty things that were likely said to us by our abusers growing up.

As you probably know if you’ve tapped before (and if you don’t – yeay! – you’re starting at a great time! ☺️)…

 

We always begin with a setup statement when we tap. It looks like this:

“Even though I feel ___________________ , I deeply and completely love, accept and forgive myself anyway.”

The first half of the setup statement (green) is designed to name the situation, challenge or problem that’s bothering us.

The second half of the setup statement (blue) is intended to balance out the problem with something positive.

For some people the wording above works perfectly from the get-go and if this is you – fantastic! 🤩

 

But, for many of us with a history of sexual abuse or trauma, loving, accepting and forgiving ourselves is no easy feat.

Whenever I tried to say the words “love, accept, forgive”, I immediately felt resistance rising up inside. For as long as I can remember I’d been told that I was “no good, shameful and to blame” for what happened to me. Specifically, I’d been told that it was something about my body and the way I looked and carried myself that had “provoked” my abusers and caused them to harm me.

This is a very common gaslighting and manipulation technique used by abusers to create shame and confusion in the minds of those they abuse. It’s highly effective and works to keep children and adult survivors “loyal” to their abusers and silent about what they endured.

Unfortunately, when children are abused, they don’t stop loving their abuser – they stop loving themselves. This is because developmentally, all children rely on the adults around them for their survival; for food, shelter, clothing and something resembling “love” – often just the stale crumbs of love – dressed up as fleeting glimmers of affection and attention.

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Children develop “magical thinking” in order to survive.

They need to believe that if they could just try hard enough, be good enough, get their body to conform enough, then somehow the abuse would stop and they would be loved.

It’s easier (and safer) for children to believe that there’s something inherently bad or faulty about them, because it creates a sense of agency in their lives, where they have some control over what happens to them. And paradoxically, it’s our resistance to loving, accepting and forgiving ourselves that helped keep us alive back then.

Without the belief that “it was my fault”, what surfaces is futility and hopelessness and the realization that actually, there is and was NOTHING that the child should or could have done differently to prevent or stop the abuse they experienced.

But where does this leave the survivor? If it was not their fault, then who was to blame? Who was responsible for their pain and suffering? Was it him, her, them? And what does this new line of thinking and questioning bring up? More confusion? Anger? Grief?

It’s so very important to consider all this when we begin to tap, especially if we find ourselves experiencing push-back and self-blame when we begin working towards self-acceptance.

One thing that’s helped me tremendously is learning to view this “push-back” not as obstructive, but as “protective resistance”. This protective resistance is desperately trying to keep us safe from the emotions we’ll have no choice but to feel once we acknowledge the truth that:

 

The abuse we experienced was NEVER, EVER our fault.

So what can we do about this? How can we begin to gently heal our shame and adapt the tapping setup statement to make it work for those of us with a  history of trauma?

1) Meet yourself exactly where you are – creating tapping statements that work for you!

Working with people who’ve experienced all kind of abuse and trauma, I’ve learned to use believable, compassionate and hopeful setup statements like the ones below. Try out a few of them and see which ones feel most possible for you to say and believe right now:

Even though I feel utterly unloveable and shameful because of what happened to me…

• I’m doing my best to stay present with this
• I’m ok anyway
• I’m ok right here, right now in this moment
• I’m safe in this moment
• I’m open to working through this now
• I’m curious about the possibility of beginning to feel a little bit better today
• I’m open to releasing just a tiny bit of this today.

 

As you can see, with this gentle approach, we’re not trying to leap directly from self-loathing to self-acceptance. But we are trying to soften the edges, to create enough space within our nervous system to ask – what if it was not my fault? What if I’ve believed their lies for long enough? What if I am worthy of a good life? I wonder what it might feel like to NOT hate myself quite so much? I wonder what it might feel like to stop struggling and make friends with my body?

 

2)   As you tap – break things down into tiny pieces (“titration” is key)

When it comes to trauma, it’s very difficult to make huge shifts all at once. It just doesn’t feel safe for many people and can cause them to re-lapse or back-track. Over the years, what I’ve found to be really effective, is breaking things down into the tiniest part that feels possible and safe. This can look like:

• Releasing 1% of shame.
• Imagining adding 1 drop of self-acceptance (using colors, images and imagination can be really helpful with this-like adding 1 drop of pink into an ocean of dark grey and observing it diffuse and integrate.)
• Seeing the grey, heavy raincloud of shame above your head shrinking by 1inch – allowing space for a tiny glimmer of sunshine to poke through.

 

3)   Find even the tiniest glimmer of goodness – it will guide you forwards towards healing and self-acceptance.

As ever in our healing journey – finding a sense of balance is crucial.

This might look like imagining yourself:

• Feeling gold champagne bubbles of hope rising up through your chest in place of old anxiety.
• Imagining tiny shoots of leaves or spring flowers poking through the cold, bleak landscape.
• Pondering what it might feel like to give yourself a gentle hug. And perhaps actually doing so.
• Taking out an old photo of yourself as a tiny baby or toddler and imagining holding them, saying kind words to them and/or imagining bringing them somewhere safe with you now.

 

This all sounds nice, but does it really work?

The best advice I can give you here is to try it out for yourself. I know it’s certainly worked for me and my healing. Let me give you an example:

For most of my life I loathed my body. Specifically my hips, butt and thighs. I’m not talking mild dislike here. I’m talking abject, self-loathing fueled by destructive, self-harming behaviors.

Going back to what I said about being told that I (and my body) had provoked and caused my abuse, I believed as a child that if I could just get rid of the parts of my body that they abused, there would be no more abuse. Logical enough right?!

Sadly, there were many times when I’d imagine taking a carving knife and slicing off the excess fat, and gouging out the cellulite. To “make” it go away. Back then it was the only way I could ever imagine finding peace or being free from the self-loathing.

I experienced deeply opposing thoughts:

On the one hand I thought…

If I can just tone up, reach a certain weight, my body will “behave”. My body will stop acting out and stop “attracting” abuse. But no matter what I did this stubborn, “disgusting” fat and cellulite remained.

And on the other hand I unconsciously believed that I NEEDED the fat and cellulite. That my perceived flaws were somehow protecting me. “If I look disgusting, I simply can’t provoke them – they won’t attack me, I’ll be safe”.

The result was nothing. Nothing worked and nothing changed…

Perhaps you can relate to some of this?

Thank goodness I found tapping! 🥰

 

As I worked gently through painful memories of the sexual abuse and trauma I’d experienced throughout childhood, one particular thing really struck me…

I had never looked in a full-length mirror.

We just didn’t have any in the house and if I passed by a store window, I would always avert my eyes. I avoided changing room situations at all costs.

When I started ballroom dancing however, I could no longer avoid mirrors. The studio walls were lined with them. They were everywhere!

My teacher would stop and ask me to look at a particular shape or line I was creating or we’d pause to do a basic footwork exercise side-by-side. But all I could do was look at him in the mirror – never myself.

One day he asked me why, and with teary eyes and every ounce of courage I had, I finally admitted what I’d held inside all those years:

“Because I hate me”.

And, as difficult as this moment was, I am forever grateful, because…

 

That’s when mirror work found me.

I’d tried every diet, every exercise. I’d tried hating me, harming me, but never, ever had I tried accepting me, thanking me, loving or forgiving me-or my body for all the abuse I’d endured.

But it was time.

Continuing to use tapping to support me as more and more shameful thoughts, feelings and memories emerged and safely released, mirror work helped me begin to truly see ME for the first time in my life.

If you’re new to the idea of mirror work, but you’re even just a teeny bit curious, Louise Hay wrote a short and wonderful book called: “Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life”.

It’s a fabulously simple introductory guide to this work.

My best piece of advice as you begin is to go slowly and to know that if you can only look in one eye (perhaps you’re not ready for both yet), even for a moment – that is REMARKABLE!!

Today, even though I still go through ups and downs with my body at times (especially when new memories or layers of shame are surfacing), I find that I’m increasingly able to appreciate how strong my body is.

I feel compassion and love for how much it’s gone through. I KNOW the abuse was never my fault. I DID NOT cause it to happen. My hips, butt and legs are amazing. They allow me to dance and to compete at a high level and best of all, my body has given me 3 incredible, healthy children.

My body is whole, my body is beautiful and I know that yours is too. Releasing shame and suffering is not easy, but it is possible, especially with tools like tapping and mirror work to help us.

I believe in you. I’m so proud of you and I’m sending you so much love and compassion today! 🥰

 

P.S. – Here are a couple of pics of me dancing at a recent competition to give you hope and so you can see how far I’ve come! ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊

 

Here Are 3 Steps to Help You Overcome Futility, Release Perfectionism and Get Back on Track Safely After a Setback…

 

I’ve got to be honest, this week has been pretty crappy.

My husband was away in California for work and the time difference made it tricky for us to talk and stay as connected as we usually do.

The night he left, I fell down the 3 steps into our bedroom. It was the middle of the night and I was still half asleep. I’d safely navigated these steps in the dark for 10 plus years, but not this night! I gave myself not only a nasty shock, but some pretty gnarly injuries to my leg and arm. Not the best timing with a week of solo-parenting ahead. 😖

“Ok”, I thought, “not ideal, but I’ve got this….”

Famous last words!!

The next day, our PA called out sick with a stomach bug and 2 of my kids (so far 🤪) also got sick. Our middle son spiked a 104ºF fever, which of course impacted my sleep and in turn, my ability to function and work effectively during the days.

My kids have always come first for me, so I jumped right back into mama-mode, giving snuggles, making soothing teas, cleaning up and coming nowhere close to conquering laundry mountain…let alone checking my emails.

On top of that, when my hubby did return, we went in for a parent-teacher conference we’d requested to discuss some challenges one of our kids had been having in his classroom. We didn’t quite expect a whole panel of staff – stressful to say the least.😯 (But it did go great!)

The more things piled-up, and the more exhausted I became, the more my heart sank and my feelings of futility grew.

“I was doing so well!” I told myself. “I was focused and creative, I was meeting deadlines, I was even back to my regular workouts and feeling great!”

 

So how did everything implode so fast?

I don’t know about you, but as a survivor of complex trauma, even after many years of healing work, I can go down a deep, dark hole of futility faster than a rabbit being chased by a fox.

Perhaps you can relate?

Maybe you’ve experienced this kind of thing where a day, a week, or a month unravels before your eyes and you feel helpless to stop it?

Growing up, survivors often develop perfectionist tendencies and routines in an effort to keep themselves safe.

For me it felt like a desperate attempt to hold everything and everyone (me included) together.

I’d eat the same meals on the same day of each week. I’d study late into the night to get straight As. I’d clean the house manically every day after school. Routine soothed me and gave me a sense of safety and control. I learned to be all in or all out. In control – or falling apart.

But no matter how hard I tried to keep things spotless, get straight As, be invisible, and fly under the radar, nothing worked. The abuse still happened, Chaos still reigned. I had zero control.

That’s why things like this past week are sometimes still triggering for me and perhaps for you too.

When things happen today that are beyond our control, they can catapult us right back to our past. Reminding us of a time where things were out of our control. When things were unsafe.

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So what can we do about this?

1) Acknowledge Your Triggers and Process Your Feelings Using Tapping:

Firstly, it’s important for us to acknowledge and process the emotions we’re feeling when we face challenges and setbacks. So that we can better understand what’s really going on beneath the trigger.

For example, perhaps you’d set yourself a healthy eating goal, but at the fourth birthday celebration in a week, the cake won! Maybe what’s being triggered are old feelings of deprivation or failure around food? Tapping on these feelings will help honor and then release them so that future celebrations are less likely to trigger these old feelings or end the same way. Meaning that one cake extravaganza doesn’t automatically lead to over-eating as self-punishment..

For me – the futility I felt all week was about my ability to either work OR be Mum. My all or nothing thinking from childhood said “you can’t do both, you have to choose”. And so, a 2023 goal I’d set to get consistent with my weekly emails – something I’ve sometimes struggled with – felt like it was being ripped away. I needed to process the feeling and belief that I’d be letting myself and others down if I did not stick to that goal. As well as opening myself up to the possibility that I could both work AND be Mum.

As you can see, the all or nothing thinking from my childhood was proving to be out-dated and unhelpful in my adult life.

The truth is that control is an illusion, just like perfectionism. They are constructs that we often build as children (and as adults) in abusive situations, to create a sense of safety and agency in our lives. In those situations they are adaptive coping strategies.

But now that we are safer and more resourceful, those same coping skills have likely become maladaptive; that is, hindering our growth instead of helping us.

 

2) Re-framing What Setbacks Mean:

A large part of healing from past traumas lies in this acknowledgement that we cannot control all aspects of life. Things will go wrong. Kids will get bugs. We will face obstacles and setbacks along the way. But does this really mean we’ve failed? That we need to quit?

For the longest time I fully believed this to be true. And it seems that many people still feel this same way. Take New Year’s Resolutions for example.

Did you know that for resolution-setters, January 17th is known as “Quit Day”?

3 weeks in to January – setbacks, obstacles, life happens and many people give up, feeling like it’s just to difficult to keep on trying.

But what if there’s another way we can view setbacks?

What if a setback is not an all-out, irredeemable failure, but simply – a setback? One that we can bounce back from?

What if, when we’re faced with a setback we can pause and imagine that we’re an amphibian suddenly out of water. Yes, at first we may struggle to adapt, but eventually, using skills like Tapping and somatic mindfulness, we can develop the resilience needed to thrive in any situation, overcoming any obstacle.

 

3) Adopting New Beliefs To Help Us Keep Moving Forwards :

So many times though when we face a setback, we grind to halt. It feels like it’s over. We’ve failed. For me, it felt like: “If I can’t do it perfectly, I’d better not even try.”

But perhaps we can re-frame a setback as an opportunity to pause and take stock of how things are going.

For example, do new diets or workout plans HAVE to start only on Mondays? Or could I start today?
(Are you guilty of this one? I know I was for a long time! 😀)

I know, adopting new beliefs is easier said than done, especially when we’re working with trauma responses and triggers. But over the years, I’ve come up with a few beliefs that have really helped me to pick myself up and get back on track after a setback. And maybe they’ll help you too:

My favorite this past week has been the expression “done is good enough”. Whether it be getting takeout for dinner instead of cooking, or letting the dishes sit in the sink, it’s good enough.

Struggling to write this to you, I again told myself, it’s ok if it’s not long. Just write a few lines. “Done is good enough.” Done keeps the momentum and consistency going. And surprise, surprise, once I tapped and let go of the pressure I’d put on myself, the words came flowing out!

Here are a few of my other favorites that might help you if you’re struggling with some obstacles in your life right now:

-If I can’t clean a whole room, I’ll clean one drawer.
-If I can’t shower, I’ll brush my teeth or wash my face
-If I can’t listen to the whole webinar, I’ll listen to 5 minutes.
-If I can’t read the whole chapter, I’ll read one paragraph.

I had a client a few years ago who wrote his entire first novel this way. He told himself – all I have to do each day is write one sentence. And he did! Yes it took a while, but with consistent effort, he got it done! 😊

Obstacles and setbacks are inevitable, but we do have control over how we face them.

No matter what we’re trying to achieve, it’s progress and consistency in tiny increments that matters, not perfectionism.

When we can be gentle and kind, giving ourselves permission to make mistakes, to get off-track, we also make it possible for us to pick ourselves up and get back on track again. One tiny step at a time.

I used the tips above to help me check-in with myself and re-group. In addition, I took the following small and simple steps to get myself moving forwards again:

-After a week of no exercise, I started with just a 10 minute gentle bike ride.
-After eating too much sugar (my kryptonite) to cope with stress, I added in a salad for lunch.
-I made sure to get to bed earlier so I could get some much needed extra sleep.
-I took a break from social media
-I upped my self-care (and took my vitamins)
-I gave myself permission to write just a few lines which created space for words and creativity to flow.

I know it’s not easy and with a history of trauma I understand all too well the feeling of futility and spiraling downwards. But please know that a tough week (like the one I just had), or month or year does not have to de-rail us entirely. It doesn’t have to define us. Today is a new day and we can begin again.

I believe in you and I’m here for you, cheering you on! ❤️

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊