Month: January 2023

I don’t know about you, but when I first learned Tapping, I could barely bring myself to say, let alone believe the reminder phrase: “I deeply and completely love, accept and forgive myself.”

I’d parrot the words back to my coach (yes – I’m a recovering people-pleaser 😬), all the while wanting to scream:

“No I don’t. I don’t accept me! Me is vile. Me is bad. Me is shameful. Me is unacceptable, unloveable and most certainly, unforgivable.”

Perhaps you can relate to this heavily critical inner voice. The one that adopted and repeats all the negative, nasty things that were likely said to us by our abusers growing up.

As you probably know if you’ve tapped before (and if you don’t – yeay! – you’re starting at a great time! ☺️)…

 

We always begin with a setup statement when we tap. It looks like this:

“Even though I feel ___________________ , I deeply and completely love, accept and forgive myself anyway.”

The first half of the setup statement (green) is designed to name the situation, challenge or problem that’s bothering us.

The second half of the setup statement (blue) is intended to balance out the problem with something positive.

For some people the wording above works perfectly from the get-go and if this is you – fantastic! 🤩

 

But, for many of us with a history of sexual abuse or trauma, loving, accepting and forgiving ourselves is no easy feat.

Whenever I tried to say the words “love, accept, forgive”, I immediately felt resistance rising up inside. For as long as I can remember I’d been told that I was “no good, shameful and to blame” for what happened to me. Specifically, I’d been told that it was something about my body and the way I looked and carried myself that had “provoked” my abusers and caused them to harm me.

This is a very common gaslighting and manipulation technique used by abusers to create shame and confusion in the minds of those they abuse. It’s highly effective and works to keep children and adult survivors “loyal” to their abusers and silent about what they endured.

Unfortunately, when children are abused, they don’t stop loving their abuser – they stop loving themselves. This is because developmentally, all children rely on the adults around them for their survival; for food, shelter, clothing and something resembling “love” – often just the stale crumbs of love – dressed up as fleeting glimmers of affection and attention.

(Scroll down to keep reading)

Children develop “magical thinking” in order to survive.

They need to believe that if they could just try hard enough, be good enough, get their body to conform enough, then somehow the abuse would stop and they would be loved.

It’s easier (and safer) for children to believe that there’s something inherently bad or faulty about them, because it creates a sense of agency in their lives, where they have some control over what happens to them. And paradoxically, it’s our resistance to loving, accepting and forgiving ourselves that helped keep us alive back then.

Without the belief that “it was my fault”, what surfaces is futility and hopelessness and the realization that actually, there is and was NOTHING that the child should or could have done differently to prevent or stop the abuse they experienced.

But where does this leave the survivor? If it was not their fault, then who was to blame? Who was responsible for their pain and suffering? Was it him, her, them? And what does this new line of thinking and questioning bring up? More confusion? Anger? Grief?

It’s so very important to consider all this when we begin to tap, especially if we find ourselves experiencing push-back and self-blame when we begin working towards self-acceptance.

One thing that’s helped me tremendously is learning to view this “push-back” not as obstructive, but as “protective resistance”. This protective resistance is desperately trying to keep us safe from the emotions we’ll have no choice but to feel once we acknowledge the truth that:

 

The abuse we experienced was NEVER, EVER our fault.

So what can we do about this? How can we begin to gently heal our shame and adapt the tapping setup statement to make it work for those of us with a  history of trauma?

1) Meet yourself exactly where you are – creating tapping statements that work for you!

Working with people who’ve experienced all kind of abuse and trauma, I’ve learned to use believable, compassionate and hopeful setup statements like the ones below. Try out a few of them and see which ones feel most possible for you to say and believe right now:

Even though I feel utterly unloveable and shameful because of what happened to me…

• I’m doing my best to stay present with this
• I’m ok anyway
• I’m ok right here, right now in this moment
• I’m safe in this moment
• I’m open to working through this now
• I’m curious about the possibility of beginning to feel a little bit better today
• I’m open to releasing just a tiny bit of this today.

 

As you can see, with this gentle approach, we’re not trying to leap directly from self-loathing to self-acceptance. But we are trying to soften the edges, to create enough space within our nervous system to ask – what if it was not my fault? What if I’ve believed their lies for long enough? What if I am worthy of a good life? I wonder what it might feel like to NOT hate myself quite so much? I wonder what it might feel like to stop struggling and make friends with my body?

 

2)   As you tap – break things down into tiny pieces (“titration” is key)

When it comes to trauma, it’s very difficult to make huge shifts all at once. It just doesn’t feel safe for many people and can cause them to re-lapse or back-track. Over the years, what I’ve found to be really effective, is breaking things down into the tiniest part that feels possible and safe. This can look like:

• Releasing 1% of shame.
• Imagining adding 1 drop of self-acceptance (using colors, images and imagination can be really helpful with this-like adding 1 drop of pink into an ocean of dark grey and observing it diffuse and integrate.)
• Seeing the grey, heavy raincloud of shame above your head shrinking by 1inch – allowing space for a tiny glimmer of sunshine to poke through.

 

3)   Find even the tiniest glimmer of goodness – it will guide you forwards towards healing and self-acceptance.

As ever in our healing journey – finding a sense of balance is crucial.

This might look like imagining yourself:

• Feeling gold champagne bubbles of hope rising up through your chest in place of old anxiety.
• Imagining tiny shoots of leaves or spring flowers poking through the cold, bleak landscape.
• Pondering what it might feel like to give yourself a gentle hug. And perhaps actually doing so.
• Taking out an old photo of yourself as a tiny baby or toddler and imagining holding them, saying kind words to them and/or imagining bringing them somewhere safe with you now.

 

This all sounds nice, but does it really work?

The best advice I can give you here is to try it out for yourself. I know it’s certainly worked for me and my healing. Let me give you an example:

For most of my life I loathed my body. Specifically my hips, butt and thighs. I’m not talking mild dislike here. I’m talking abject, self-loathing fueled by destructive, self-harming behaviors.

Going back to what I said about being told that I (and my body) had provoked and caused my abuse, I believed as a child that if I could just get rid of the parts of my body that they abused, there would be no more abuse. Logical enough right?!

Sadly, there were many times when I’d imagine taking a carving knife and slicing off the excess fat, and gouging out the cellulite. To “make” it go away. Back then it was the only way I could ever imagine finding peace or being free from the self-loathing.

I experienced deeply opposing thoughts:

On the one hand I thought…

If I can just tone up, reach a certain weight, my body will “behave”. My body will stop acting out and stop “attracting” abuse. But no matter what I did this stubborn, “disgusting” fat and cellulite remained.

And on the other hand I unconsciously believed that I NEEDED the fat and cellulite. That my perceived flaws were somehow protecting me. “If I look disgusting, I simply can’t provoke them – they won’t attack me, I’ll be safe”.

The result was nothing. Nothing worked and nothing changed…

Perhaps you can relate to some of this?

Thank goodness I found tapping! 🥰

 

As I worked gently through painful memories of the sexual abuse and trauma I’d experienced throughout childhood, one particular thing really struck me…

I had never looked in a full-length mirror.

We just didn’t have any in the house and if I passed by a store window, I would always avert my eyes. I avoided changing room situations at all costs.

When I started ballroom dancing however, I could no longer avoid mirrors. The studio walls were lined with them. They were everywhere!

My teacher would stop and ask me to look at a particular shape or line I was creating or we’d pause to do a basic footwork exercise side-by-side. But all I could do was look at him in the mirror – never myself.

One day he asked me why, and with teary eyes and every ounce of courage I had, I finally admitted what I’d held inside all those years:

“Because I hate me”.

And, as difficult as this moment was, I am forever grateful, because…

 

That’s when mirror work found me.

I’d tried every diet, every exercise. I’d tried hating me, harming me, but never, ever had I tried accepting me, thanking me, loving or forgiving me-or my body for all the abuse I’d endured.

But it was time.

Continuing to use tapping to support me as more and more shameful thoughts, feelings and memories emerged and safely released, mirror work helped me begin to truly see ME for the first time in my life.

If you’re new to the idea of mirror work, but you’re even just a teeny bit curious, Louise Hay wrote a short and wonderful book called: “Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life”.

It’s a fabulously simple introductory guide to this work.

My best piece of advice as you begin is to go slowly and to know that if you can only look in one eye (perhaps you’re not ready for both yet), even for a moment – that is REMARKABLE!!

Today, even though I still go through ups and downs with my body at times (especially when new memories or layers of shame are surfacing), I find that I’m increasingly able to appreciate how strong my body is.

I feel compassion and love for how much it’s gone through. I KNOW the abuse was never my fault. I DID NOT cause it to happen. My hips, butt and legs are amazing. They allow me to dance and to compete at a high level and best of all, my body has given me 3 incredible, healthy children.

My body is whole, my body is beautiful and I know that yours is too. Releasing shame and suffering is not easy, but it is possible, especially with tools like tapping and mirror work to help us.

I believe in you. I’m so proud of you and I’m sending you so much love and compassion today! 🥰

 

P.S. – Here are a couple of pics of me dancing at a recent competition to give you hope and so you can see how far I’ve come! ❤️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊

 

Here Are 3 Steps to Help You Overcome Futility, Release Perfectionism and Get Back on Track Safely After a Setback…

 

I’ve got to be honest, this week has been pretty crappy.

My husband was away in California for work and the time difference made it tricky for us to talk and stay as connected as we usually do.

The night he left, I fell down the 3 steps into our bedroom. It was the middle of the night and I was still half asleep. I’d safely navigated these steps in the dark for 10 plus years, but not this night! I gave myself not only a nasty shock, but some pretty gnarly injuries to my leg and arm. Not the best timing with a week of solo-parenting ahead. 😖

“Ok”, I thought, “not ideal, but I’ve got this….”

Famous last words!!

The next day, our PA called out sick with a stomach bug and 2 of my kids (so far 🤪) also got sick. Our middle son spiked a 104ºF fever, which of course impacted my sleep and in turn, my ability to function and work effectively during the days.

My kids have always come first for me, so I jumped right back into mama-mode, giving snuggles, making soothing teas, cleaning up and coming nowhere close to conquering laundry mountain…let alone checking my emails.

On top of that, when my hubby did return, we went in for a parent-teacher conference we’d requested to discuss some challenges one of our kids had been having in his classroom. We didn’t quite expect a whole panel of staff – stressful to say the least.😯 (But it did go great!)

The more things piled-up, and the more exhausted I became, the more my heart sank and my feelings of futility grew.

“I was doing so well!” I told myself. “I was focused and creative, I was meeting deadlines, I was even back to my regular workouts and feeling great!”

 

So how did everything implode so fast?

I don’t know about you, but as a survivor of complex trauma, even after many years of healing work, I can go down a deep, dark hole of futility faster than a rabbit being chased by a fox.

Perhaps you can relate?

Maybe you’ve experienced this kind of thing where a day, a week, or a month unravels before your eyes and you feel helpless to stop it?

Growing up, survivors often develop perfectionist tendencies and routines in an effort to keep themselves safe.

For me it felt like a desperate attempt to hold everything and everyone (me included) together.

I’d eat the same meals on the same day of each week. I’d study late into the night to get straight As. I’d clean the house manically every day after school. Routine soothed me and gave me a sense of safety and control. I learned to be all in or all out. In control – or falling apart.

But no matter how hard I tried to keep things spotless, get straight As, be invisible, and fly under the radar, nothing worked. The abuse still happened, Chaos still reigned. I had zero control.

That’s why things like this past week are sometimes still triggering for me and perhaps for you too.

When things happen today that are beyond our control, they can catapult us right back to our past. Reminding us of a time where things were out of our control. When things were unsafe.

(Scroll down to keep reading)

 

So what can we do about this?

1) Acknowledge Your Triggers and Process Your Feelings Using Tapping:

Firstly, it’s important for us to acknowledge and process the emotions we’re feeling when we face challenges and setbacks. So that we can better understand what’s really going on beneath the trigger.

For example, perhaps you’d set yourself a healthy eating goal, but at the fourth birthday celebration in a week, the cake won! Maybe what’s being triggered are old feelings of deprivation or failure around food? Tapping on these feelings will help honor and then release them so that future celebrations are less likely to trigger these old feelings or end the same way. Meaning that one cake extravaganza doesn’t automatically lead to over-eating as self-punishment..

For me – the futility I felt all week was about my ability to either work OR be Mum. My all or nothing thinking from childhood said “you can’t do both, you have to choose”. And so, a 2023 goal I’d set to get consistent with my weekly emails – something I’ve sometimes struggled with – felt like it was being ripped away. I needed to process the feeling and belief that I’d be letting myself and others down if I did not stick to that goal. As well as opening myself up to the possibility that I could both work AND be Mum.

As you can see, the all or nothing thinking from my childhood was proving to be out-dated and unhelpful in my adult life.

The truth is that control is an illusion, just like perfectionism. They are constructs that we often build as children (and as adults) in abusive situations, to create a sense of safety and agency in our lives. In those situations they are adaptive coping strategies.

But now that we are safer and more resourceful, those same coping skills have likely become maladaptive; that is, hindering our growth instead of helping us.

 

2) Re-framing What Setbacks Mean:

A large part of healing from past traumas lies in this acknowledgement that we cannot control all aspects of life. Things will go wrong. Kids will get bugs. We will face obstacles and setbacks along the way. But does this really mean we’ve failed? That we need to quit?

For the longest time I fully believed this to be true. And it seems that many people still feel this same way. Take New Year’s Resolutions for example.

Did you know that for resolution-setters, January 17th is known as “Quit Day”?

3 weeks in to January – setbacks, obstacles, life happens and many people give up, feeling like it’s just to difficult to keep on trying.

But what if there’s another way we can view setbacks?

What if a setback is not an all-out, irredeemable failure, but simply – a setback? One that we can bounce back from?

What if, when we’re faced with a setback we can pause and imagine that we’re an amphibian suddenly out of water. Yes, at first we may struggle to adapt, but eventually, using skills like Tapping and somatic mindfulness, we can develop the resilience needed to thrive in any situation, overcoming any obstacle.

 

3) Adopting New Beliefs To Help Us Keep Moving Forwards :

So many times though when we face a setback, we grind to halt. It feels like it’s over. We’ve failed. For me, it felt like: “If I can’t do it perfectly, I’d better not even try.”

But perhaps we can re-frame a setback as an opportunity to pause and take stock of how things are going.

For example, do new diets or workout plans HAVE to start only on Mondays? Or could I start today?
(Are you guilty of this one? I know I was for a long time! 😀)

I know, adopting new beliefs is easier said than done, especially when we’re working with trauma responses and triggers. But over the years, I’ve come up with a few beliefs that have really helped me to pick myself up and get back on track after a setback. And maybe they’ll help you too:

My favorite this past week has been the expression “done is good enough”. Whether it be getting takeout for dinner instead of cooking, or letting the dishes sit in the sink, it’s good enough.

Struggling to write this to you, I again told myself, it’s ok if it’s not long. Just write a few lines. “Done is good enough.” Done keeps the momentum and consistency going. And surprise, surprise, once I tapped and let go of the pressure I’d put on myself, the words came flowing out!

Here are a few of my other favorites that might help you if you’re struggling with some obstacles in your life right now:

-If I can’t clean a whole room, I’ll clean one drawer.
-If I can’t shower, I’ll brush my teeth or wash my face
-If I can’t listen to the whole webinar, I’ll listen to 5 minutes.
-If I can’t read the whole chapter, I’ll read one paragraph.

I had a client a few years ago who wrote his entire first novel this way. He told himself – all I have to do each day is write one sentence. And he did! Yes it took a while, but with consistent effort, he got it done! 😊

Obstacles and setbacks are inevitable, but we do have control over how we face them.

No matter what we’re trying to achieve, it’s progress and consistency in tiny increments that matters, not perfectionism.

When we can be gentle and kind, giving ourselves permission to make mistakes, to get off-track, we also make it possible for us to pick ourselves up and get back on track again. One tiny step at a time.

I used the tips above to help me check-in with myself and re-group. In addition, I took the following small and simple steps to get myself moving forwards again:

-After a week of no exercise, I started with just a 10 minute gentle bike ride.
-After eating too much sugar (my kryptonite) to cope with stress, I added in a salad for lunch.
-I made sure to get to bed earlier so I could get some much needed extra sleep.
-I took a break from social media
-I upped my self-care (and took my vitamins)
-I gave myself permission to write just a few lines which created space for words and creativity to flow.

I know it’s not easy and with a history of trauma I understand all too well the feeling of futility and spiraling downwards. But please know that a tough week (like the one I just had), or month or year does not have to de-rail us entirely. It doesn’t have to define us. Today is a new day and we can begin again.

I believe in you and I’m here for you, cheering you on! ❤️

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊

As a survivor of sexual abuse and trauma, I understand how unsafe it can feel to relax…

Much of the abuse I experienced happened at night when I least expected it. Consequently, my body and nervous system learned to associate relaxation and rest with danger.

For many years, my body and nervous system were stuck on high alert, scanning for potential threats. I was in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, which was exhausting!

When my husband and I were first married, I remember feeling so angry towards him whenever he napped on the sofa. How could he let his guard down? Couldn’t he see it was dangerous?! How could he feel so safe and relaxed all.the.time? I desperately wanted to feel that way too! But I just couldn’t get there.

 

I felt so broken because although I knew logically that I was safe, I certainly didn’t feel that way.

Perhaps you can relate?

As humans, we’re not designed to stay in Fight or Flight (Sympathetic Nervous System) for long periods of time. But trauma impacts us in such a way that we can get stuck there without respite for long periods of time. This can lead to all kinds of emotional and physical challenges.

In my case, the stress and hyper-vigilance took a huge toll on me physically and I ended up with severe GI issues in the form of SIBO. I lost a lot of weight, chunks of my hair fell out, I had extreme lethargy requiring weekly IVs, stomach pain and bloating, to name but a few symptoms..

The intense physical pain pushed me to process past traumas and learn how to relax and regulate my nervous system (parasympathetic state), so that I could finally rest and recover.

In doing so, I noticed that my fear of relaxing was particularly high any time I sat on the sofa. As a child, sitting down was seen as “lazy” and punishment would always follow…

Consequently, any time I did sit on the sofa, my legs would feel restless and I’d get waves of dread and agitation, often escalating to a full-blown panic attack.

(Scroll down to keep reading…)

 

What worked for me…

Was allowing myself to sit on the ottoman instead of the sofa. Watching a show or movie from a more transient and upright position felt less threatening and much safer. I could see the door. I was prepared to flee or fight if needs be… My body, felt safer and began to release some of the tension and dread I’d been holding.

From there, I graduated to sitting on the sofa, bringing something with me to occupy my hands. A coloring book, my daughter would let me brush and braid her hair, or I’d snuggle with my dog.

And, any time the feelings of restlessness, fear or anxiety began to build, I’d Tap.

I’d reassure my body that “I’m safe here and now”. I’d look around me, orienting to my safe surroundings. I’d breathe deeply and Tap some more.

Little, by little, it all helped my body and nervous system register safety and build new associations to relaxing. And today, one of my favorite Sunday-Joys is to relax and take a nap on the sofa with Winnie, my dog tucked up beside me! ☺️

What worked for me may of course need modifying for you. But I share my experience to give you hope that relaxation doesn’t have to continue to feel impossible or unsafe because of what happened to you back then.

 

Remember… You are doing great!  ☺️

It’s not an easy journey, but it is possible, no matter what we’ve gone through, to re-wire old patterns of hyper-vigilance, so we can begin to relax just a little bit at a time – especially using tools like EFT Tapping.

I believe in you and I’m sending you love and compassion today! ❤️

If you struggle in your healing journey because you constantly feel re-traumatized when you address your past traumas, here’s how you can make big progress while reducing the overwhelm…

One of the most common concerns I hear from people – no matter where they’re at on their healing journey – is that the process itself can feel extremely intense and overwhelming, sometimes to the point of re-traumatization.

Yes, healing can be raw and challenging, especially when we’re working through painful or traumatic events and memories. But done right – it should not be re-traumatizing.

Which is why this is such an important topic to talk about! 😊

Whether we’re dealing with childhood, developmental, sexual trauma or a one off shock trauma (like a car accident) from our adult lives, there’s often a tendency among many people and practitioners to dive deep. To get to the root of the issue immediately.

While I completely understand this desire to “get there”, to not shy away from the “big stuff” – and I’m all for digging deep, 😉 we must pay close attention to is HOW we go about it.

 

Imagine for a moment the devastation an earthquake leaves behind…

When recovery work begins, first-responders don’t usually go straight for the epicenter.

They start at the periphery, clearing away debris and rubble, piece by careful piece. Making sure that the structures are safe and stable before digging deeper.

Our healing work is the same…

Instead of beginning with the most traumatic part, we start with the outer edges or layers of our traumas (around the green 6 or 7) and work gently and safely inwards towards the deeper, more traumatic layers (1 or 2 in the diagram).

Many times this is a natural process that evolves over time as we expand our resources and strengthen our capacity to tolerate the work.

If we delve straight into the most intense and traumatic events from our past, before enough preparation work has been done to bring safety, grounding and other resources to our body, mind and nervous system, we can end up feeling unable to tolerate or even continue the work.

This sadly, is what leads many people to quit their healing journey entirely. 😕

Let’s imagine for example that you’re in a session, talking to your practitioner about a recent Holiday party where you had a panic attack and had to leave. As you recount how the crowded, hot room made you feel, you notice, right there in the session, that your palms are beginning to sweat, your heart is racing and your chest and throat feel tight.

You also notice that a memory of an old trauma (likely the core memory that triggered your recent panic attack) is coming forwards.

You tell your coach about this old memory and now you have a choice to make.

While it might be tempting to dive straight in to whatever happened back then, doing so right away may exacerbate the panicky symptoms you’re feeling, making it difficult for you to stay present enough to safely process and release them.

 

So what can we do differently? Understanding the “Window of Tolerance”…

One way that you (along with your practitioner, coach or therapist – if you have one) can support yourself during your healing journey is to learn to stay within your “window of tolerance.”

This window is a concept, first coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, that refers to the range of emotions and sensations we can comfortably tolerate without becoming too activated or overwhelmed.

Think of it like a thermostat in a house: if the temperature inside the house gets too hot or too cold, the thermostat kicks in to bring the temperature back within a more comfortable range.

In the same way,  if we become overwhelmed or triggered by emotions or sensations during a session like the one described above, it can be really helpful to have some tools and techniques on hand to bring us safely back to a more comfortable state.

But before we discuss these tools and techniques, let’s take a second to notice what can happen when a person moves beyond their window of tolerance. Here are a few things you might notice:

1. Physical Symptoms:

These can include increased heart rate, shortness of breath, sweating, shaking, agitation, racing thoughts, feeling tense or restless, panic attacks. A person may also feel out of control and show signs of a fight or flight response.

2. Emotional Symptoms:

A person may feel overwhelmed, anxious, tearful or angry. They may also appear confused, vague, disconnected, numb or dissociated from their emotions and/or the present moment.

3. Behavioral Symptoms:

When a person has moved beyond their window of tolerance, they may have a hard time concentrating, making decisions or being connected to their feelings, emotions or sensations. They may want to fight, flee or shut down completely. They may also exhibit partial or total dissociation.

Here’s an image to help you understand this a little bit more:

 

I’m here for you and I’m cheering you on each step of the way. ❤️

Yours in healing,

Karen 🙂

P.S. If you frequently find yourself triggered and outside your window of tolerance because of past traumas you’ve experienced, try this quick burst of Tapping with me now: