Month: March 2023

I have to be honest – these past few weeks have been a struggle.

A little while ago, I stopped working with clients one-on-one to create the space to, well, create. I’m not a natural born entrepreneur (if those unicorns even exist) and what I’ve been finding most challenging is managing my time, my projects and my work flow.

There are endless distractions every single day, from a random snow day to a call from the school nurse to pick up a sick child, to half days and school conferences. And that doesn’t even factor-in trying to get enough sleep (hello peri-menopause), exercise regularly or stay on top of running a busy household.

They say that if you want to get something done, ask a busy person and I guess that’s partly true. When I was working with clients, I’d be on calls all day then squeeze in the other aspects of running my business, plus all the mom stuff and home life after hours too.

But now, that I’ve created the space and time I thought I needed, why am I no closer to reaching my goals?

• Why does it feel like no matter what I do, I just can’t break this creative deadlock?
• Why do I feel so un-relentingly trapped and paralyzed by my own thoughts?
• Why does it feel like the more I struggle, the tighter the tangled-web becomes?
• And why, despite all my tools and knowledge can’t I just get out of my own way, sit my butt down and write?!

I’ve pondered this a lot.

In doing so…

 

I’ve become painfully aware of the very loud and intrusive critical inner-voice that loves to wake me at 3am…

To go over every possible fear and catastrophic outcome, and then interrupt any daytime flow I do create with a debilitating barrage of insults and limiting beliefs.

These insults, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs are far-ranging, though repetitive, and include some of the following:

• “You suck”
• “You’ll never succeed”
• “Who the hell do you think you are?”
• “You don’t know what you’re doing”
• “You don’t have the skills you need”
• “You’re too old”
• “It’s too late”
• “No one cares or wants to hear what you have to say anyway”
• “Why even bother…”

and so on. Perhaps you have a similar critical inner-voice running rough-shod through your head too…

What’s become clear to me though, is that it really isn’t about the distractions or obstacles we face in our daily lives at all.

It’s not the amount (or lack) of hours in a day, my ability to “be productive”, get stuff done or figure things out. I’m an intelligent woman and I do believe when the chips are down I can solve any problem.

No.

 

It’s actually the much deeper, unconscious, trauma-related issues and patterns…

The critical voice, the limiting beliefs, the need to protect myself by staying small, that have been fueling my paralysis and keeping me stuck these past weeks.

Not only do I really need to explore this today, but I have a feeling that you may be experiencing this kind of thing in some areas of your own life too! ❤️

Perhaps for you, the challenge is around de-cluttering your home or finishing your college thesis. Maybe you find yourself staring at a stack of un-opened bills every night, too scared to face your mounting debt-crisis. Maybe you struggle to stay on track with eating healthily or exercising. Or maybe your struggle is around broaching some tough conversations in your intimate relationship.

Whatever it is for you, I know you can relate to some part of this, and I also know that if you’re reading this, you’re giving yourself the gift of understanding. And that’s fantastic – because it’s only when we become consciously aware of the patterns we’ve been running that we can begin to change them and move forwards in our life.

 

When you’re playing a never-ending game of whack-a-mole with your limiting beliefs… 

In a nutshell, limiting beliefs are repetitive, typically negative, thoughts that do not serve us. They disempower us, make us feel bad about ourselves, and can cause us to spiral downwards into futility and depression and if left un-checked, can keep us feeling stuck indefinitely.

In my case, instead of spending my days abuzz with creativity, I’ve found myself staring at blank pages, wondering where to begin and questioning if I should even bother because chances are “it’ll be garbage anyway”….

Can you spot the downward spiral?! 🤯 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Limiting beliefs typically feel like facts…

The challenge is that although it’s easy to recognize these patterns in other people, the critical inner voice that speaks these limiting beliefs to us can be stealth-like and very sneaky. It often sounds like the sensible voice of reason, just stating facts.

Take a second to think about a challenge in your life right now and see if you can spot any of the limiting beliefs your inner critic might be whispering to you? You can use my list above if it’s useful… ☺️

To help you understand this further, let’s take a look at 2 Limiting Beliefs that have been pivotal in my recent struggle to move forwards:

 

1 – Fears Around Financial Success and Abundance.

Way back when I was 22 and starting out in movies as a freelance Script Supervisor, my salary (for 6 months a year working and 6 months traveling) was equivalent to $80,000 US. I remember proudly sharing this with my dad when I got my first paycheck. He was a middle manager at the time and had worked his whole life in a career he did not enjoy. His salary after many years climbing the ladder was less than my 22 year old starting rate. He was NOT in the least bit happy with me and said:

“You can’t earn more than me”.

Now, while I consciously understand that this was coming from a place of anger and frustration regarding his own career-dissatisfaction, what I took away from the conversation was a limiting belief that said:

 

“I’d better not earn more than my dad. He won’t be happy about my success. In fact he’ll be angry and resentful towards me”.

 

Although many years have passed since then and I’ve come a long way in my abundance journey, there’s still a little part of me that fears being too successful. Too abundant. Too anything.

There’s an underlying fear that my success will lead to someone else’s displeasure. And a belief that tells me success comes at a cost. That cost is abandonment and loss of love.

As you can imagine – this is one quick way to ensure you’ll avoid or sabotage anything that might lead to financial abundance or success – in my case – sitting down to write and create.

 

2) Threat of Punishment and Repercussions if You’re Too Happy,  Too Visible, Too YOU:

Growing up in an abusive home environment, there was an energy of constant comparison and belittlement. As a family, we were dis-connected; divide and conquer was the rule. You were docile and controllable if you were sad. Being sad or depressed meant they’d leave you alone. Isolation equalled respite from harm and a moment of relative safety.

There was no one supporting or cheering me on. No words of affirmation, no “you can do it, I believe in you”…

Anger was not allowed. Happy was squashed. Being too “YOU” was rejected, ridiculed and punished. Being good at something or too visible at anything was extremely dangerous and you could be certain there would be consequences.

These were the unspoken rules growing up in my family.

 

Overcoming our childhood limiting beliefs…

I have worked tirelessly to overcome these old belief patterns. Mostly with a great deal of success. ☺️

However, my growth, both personally and professionally brought things to a head recently, culminating in my receiving threats from family members trying to silence me.

I have not spoken about this publicly before, but the impact on me has been profound. And, while I work hard to keep on moving forwards, the threats and fears of repercussions mean that I still struggle to feel safe speaking up (even in written form), and to move forwards towards my goals and dreams.

 

This explains the push-pull paralysis…

Yes, a part of me wants to write, create programs and be visible in the world as a way to help other survivors.

But – there is another part of me desperately pulling in the opposite direction. This desperate part is my critical inner voice. She’s absolutely terrified of the annihilation she believes my being visible will cause. She does not care about my hopes and dreams or happiness. She cares only about my survival.

I share this very personal push-pull struggle today because I know that you may have experienced something similar in your own life and it may help you to know that you are not alone. You are not “unproductive”, “lazy” or “not good enough”. You are simply running some really challenging and conflicting survival-patterns that have been keeping you safe, but also stuck.

 

Take a moment to reflect on the patterns you’ve been running in your own life…

What is it that’s keeping you stuck and why?

If there’s only one thing I want you to take away today it’s this:

 

Our critical inner voice and our old limiting beliefs and patterns are NOT out to get us. They are trying to protect us and keep us safe from harm.

 

These habituated old patterns and old wiring still believe that moving forwards in life (in whatever way that means for you) is dangerous. Staying small, being invisible, being in debt or overweight can feel safer than moving forward into the unknown.

But here’s the thing – the tug of war we feel, this internal struggle to move beyond this old wiring and these old beliefs is really tough to break. But break it we must if we’re ever going to live the life we want and deserve.

 

So HOW can we overcome these limiting beliefs?

Once we recognize the phrases our critical inner-voice tends to use, and we’ve uncovered some old limiting beliefs and patterns, you may think… “what now?”

 

 

Finding your way forward…

You see, it really does come down to which patch of grass we choose to water.

Do you want to keep watering and giving energy to those old, habituated critical thoughts? Or do you want to acknowledge how much that part of you has tried to help you but is now keeping you stuck?

When we can do this we create a way forward that honors this fearful part, without giving them the keys to the car anymore.

You are fully grown. You are your own biggest advocate and cheer-leader and I believe that with a little effort and practice, you can get yourself un-stuck and moving in the right direction again in no time.

I see you and I’m here cheering you on! 🥰

P.S. If you’re still being tough on yourself and you need an extra little boost of support – go here to tap along with me:

We hear a lot about mindful-breathing practices in Trauma Healing.

Perhaps you’re a seasoned Yogi or someone who meditates daily and you find focusing on your breath extremely helpful and calming. If that’s you –  fantastic! 🥰 

Unfortunately, so far, that has not been the case for me. What I’ve come to understand is that for me (as for so many trauma survivors), breath-work can be extremely triggering.

Over the years I’ve tried many forms and techniques with varying degrees of success. I’ve taken all kinds of yoga classes, done guided meditations, shamanic journeys, regressions and trained with Buddhist Monks. After all, breathing practices have been shown to have lots of benefits…

They can help us regulate our Nervous System, bringing us into a parasympathetic state (think rest, repair, digest). They can help improve the quality of our sleep, reduce stress and anxiety levels, help us feel more centered and grounded and can even aid weight loss. They can also help us uncover and work through past traumas.

These techniques include box breathing, diaphragmatic breathing, pranayama and water breathing (to name just a few). All of which can be wonderful, especially when properly learned and practiced correctly.

But all these well-documented benefits do is make me feel like a failure for not getting the same results…

There’s a tremendous amount of stigma and shame attached to the perceived inability to “do it right!” Which can leave people wondering “what’s wrong with me? Why is everyone else so calm when I’m freaking out inside?”

This was exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with my oldest child and I  decided to try Hypno-Birthing, a gentle, natural approach which uses breathing techniques to help the laboring mother relax and remain calm.

When I took the class, one of the lessons was on how to breathe. We were given a basic 4-8 pattern, where you inhale through the nose for 4 and then exhale through the mouth for 8.

Every time I’d practice counting and breathing I’d become increasingly panicky and anxious. The act of counting and trying to “control” or manage my state and breathing brought the usually unconscious, autonomic function to a starkly conscious level.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, when I worked through the experience later with a therapist, I learned that what I was experiencing was a flashback to a past memory of sexual abuse, where strangulation, suffocation and choking were used as forms of manipulation and control.

Trying to control my breathing during my hypo-birthing class and practice, flooded my system with terror. It was the terror I’d felt back then about how easily my breathing could be restricted or stopped and my life taken away. A person, especially a child, can lose consciousness in this way in as little as 10 seconds.

And though this may be unsettling to read, it is unfortunately an extremely common experience among trauma (and particularly sexual abuse) survivors.

 

Why Breath-Work Is Triggering, and Even Counter-Productive, For Some Trauma Survivors...

Focusing on our body can feel unsafe. Some survivors may have experienced medical trauma, sexual trauma, blunt-force trauma or many other kinds of trauma that make connecting with their body and their breath feel unsafe.

When we’re feeling stressed-out, anxious, or having a panic attack – our breathing patterns change. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase. We may feel like our heart is pounding or that we can’t breathe. Our breathing becomes rapid and shallow. Our body is preparing to fight or flee.

In this state, our body needs to take in more oxygen to fuel our muscles and provide them with the burst of energy needed to take action (think of gazelle being startled by and then fleeing from a lion). To bring in the fuel (oxygen) needed to fight or flee, we begin to hyper-ventilate or “over-breathe”.

When people are in this state it often looks like they’re taking “quick  sips of breath” where the focus is predominantly on the inhale.

This kind of breathing pattern throws our blood-gases out of their normal balance. In this state it can feel like we can’t catch our breath. The “quick sips” bring in more and more oxygen, but without a balancing, long-enough exhale, the levels of carbon dioxide in our brain and blood are not properly regulated, creating a deficit of CO2.

The result can leave someone feeling light-headed, dizzy or faint. They may experience blurred vision, numbness or tingling in their extremities and in some cases, the person may pass out.

This is why, when we tell someone who’s in this highly activated or triggered state to “take a breath” (ie-bring in even more oxygen) it can be unhelpful and can even make things worse.

 

So what can we do instead?

If focusing on the breath can increase feelings of panic and anxiety in some trauma survivors, and the very act of hyper-ventilating (or over-breathing) in preparation to fight or flee can exacerbate these feelings, it’s essential that we learn how to break this loop.

There are several super simple and effective ways we can do this.

1) Focus on the Exhale:

When we hyper-ventilate we take in too much oxygen and create a deficit on Carbon Dioxide. This is what can increase the symptoms we discussed earlier like dizziness, blurred vision and racing heart.

• When we can learn to focus primarily on our exhale, we can quickly turn things around, lowering our blood pressure, heart rate and calming our  nervous system.
• You can do this (as I do with my kids when they’re upset) by imagining blowing out a candle.
• Blowing air out through pursed lips until all the air is gone helps to correct the balance of O2 and CO2 in our blood and brain. Which in turn reduces symptoms of hyper-ventilation and panic. Heart rate and blood pressure will return to normal too.
• You can achieve the same goal by imagining blowing away the clouds in the sky – or really any other image that works for you. ☺️

 

2) Let Yourself Sigh:

Similar to focusing on the exhale, when we can allow ourselves to let out a long, audible sigh, we’re removing some of the excess oxygen from our body which helps regulate our nervous system and calm our feelings of anxiety and panic.

 

3) Sing or Hum (in the shower, in the car, anywhere…)

This tip works on a couple of levels. If we put on a song we like, firstly, it can be calming in and of itself. When we add humming or singing, it regulates our nervous system and balances our oxygen levels too! Rarely do we sing when we’re anxious or afraid, so this sends a clear signal to our amygdala that we are safe in the here and now. It lets our body and brain know that we are not in danger. We are safe.

 

4) Visualization is Your Friend.

If we think back to my experience with Hypno-Birthing and how the breathing exercises did not help me – what did?

I did end up using Hypno-Birthing while in labor with all 3 of my children, but I was able to modify the breathing principles to make them work for me. ☺️ In doing so, what I found most helpful was visualization.

Whenever I felt my breath shorten or become ragged with contractions, I focused on visualizing a big red balloon being filled with air.

As I felt each contraction (or surge as they call it) I breathed in to fill and expand the balloon. When I felt ready, I’d let out a looooong exhale and imagine watching the balloon floating away in the sky.

I still did not like counting, but I was able to stay calm and relaxed by finding what worked for me. And you can do this too!

 

5) Dip Your Toe in – Ask Yourself Questions and Get Curious About Why Breath-Work May Be Triggering For You…

From a Somatic standpoint, when we experience a traumatic event (anything that’s too much for us to process or handle in the moment), we may dissociate in order to survive.

Likelihood is that back then, during our past trauma, our body did not feel like a safe place to be. If we were panicky, fearful or anxious, this probably manifested in a fight or flight response which in turn affected our breathing patterns.

This is why for so many trauma survivors, focusing on the breath (or any other physical, bodily sensation) can feel threatening or unsafe.

When we can understand what’s happening in our body and nervous system – and why – it becomes a much less frightening place to be.

Little by little we can come back home to our body and begin to understand why breath-work may have been triggering for us in the past.

 

6) Use Tapping and Somatic Experiencing (SE) to Process and Release Past Traumas:

Over time and using tools like Tapping and Somatic (body) mindfulness, we can learn to sit with and gently observe what’s been triggering this panic or fear response in us.

Just as I learned that I had experienced trauma around strangulation, suffocation and choking during sexual abuse, you can become consciously aware of your past traumas (whatever they may be) and begin to gently and safely process and release them.

It might feel daunting at first, but with these tools and tips, you can begin to feel more empowered – reclaiming your breath and your body so that it can become a safe place to be, perhaps for the first time.

I want you to know that wherever you are on your healing journey – whether you love breath-work, whether you’re completely new to it, or whether it’s been a challenge in the past, there is no right or wrong. There is only a willingness to explore things that can help you continue to move forwards into the life you want and deserve.

Sending you love and compassion today. 🥰

 

P.S. If you managed to catch my presentation on Anxiety during this year’s Tapping World Summit and would love to own it so you can watch it again and again…

Or if you missed it live but would love to catch up, it’s not too late!

You can go here or click the image below to upgrade and own all of this year’s presentations:

 

 

What Did You Take From This Blog Post? Leave Me Your Comments Below. I Love Hearing From You! 😊