As a kid, I had my routine all figured out.
I’d walk home from school, let myself in, then immediately scan the house for potential dangers. Were the dishes done? Was everything neat and tidy? Were there any toilet rolls that needed replacing? Was there anything at all out of place that might set him off when he got home?
On the surface, I probably looked like a “good kid” – diligently doing my chores and being “helpful”. But the truth was far more complex and painful. I wasn’t just tidying up – I was desperately trying to erase any trace of myself – contain the chaos, prevent the next explosion, and keep myself – and everyone else – safe. 😮💨
I remember one specific night at the dinner table. I felt satisfied with my efforts. Everything was in its place. Things were going ok…
But then, my sister began arguing with my father about something. I can’t remember what. In an instant, my calm crumbled and gave way to feelings of dread, panic and helplessness.
All my effort had been for nothing.
I sat there barely breathing; arms motionless under the table, fists balled-up – nails gouging into my palms. On the outside I remained composed, but inside I was freaking out; silently pleading:
“Please stop. Stop antagonizing him, stop poking the bear – you’re making it worse. Shut up or it WILL end badly for us all…”
I was desperate to keep the peace. Smooth things over. Maintain safety.
I felt angry with my sister for exacerbating things. Why couldn’t she just shut up and be quiet like me?
The thing is – our nervous systems don’t consciously “choose” which approach to take when it comes to our survival. They make unconscious, split – second decisions that they believe (based on our own unique lived-experiences) will give us the best chance of survival.
My nervous system favored freeze/fawn/collapse – while hers was geared more towards fight. Our approaches were different, but we shared a common goal – to survive.
We were children. Doing the best we could in a hostile and abusive environment. It was not our fault.
His “moods”, actions and behaviors were his choice. And no matter how much I prayed, or tried to keep the house tidy and, no matter how hard my sister fought – no approach would have worked to disarm our father – he was always going to explode..
It was never about the toilet roll, or the broken glass or the spoiled dinner. It was always about his sense of power and control over us.
So, while the “good” days lead to unremarkable nights where I’d get to eat dinner, do my homework, and go to bed without incident. Those days were not the norm.
Too many times, my efforts failed – and those “failures” seared themselves into my brain. Each one silently catalogued and added to my mental checklist of things I must do better: sweep-up the crumbs that fell on the floor, hide the chipped dinner plate, stifle that “wrong opinion.”
Over time, my child’s brain and body learned an impossible lesson: “If I can just be good enough, perfect enough, docile enough, I might survive.”
And so, the pattern stuck. 🧠🤔
Maybe you “learned a lesson” like this too, or recognize a pattern like this in your own life?
Perhaps, like my sister, you tried to fight. Perhaps your “habituated trauma-response” was to flee. It’s so important to understand that – whatever strategies you used to cope and survive back then, are likely still unconsciously impacting you today.
💫Take a moment right now to pause and reflect. How are you impacted by other people’s moods?
🌿How did you cope back then?
🌿And are you still coping that same way today?
Even now, decades later, I often find myself – especially in times of stress – acutely aware of people’s moods, their tone of voice, their body language. I sense tension in a room before a word is spoken. If someone nearby is upset – even when it has absolutely nothing to do with me – my brain, body and nervous system kick into high gear.
I can feel the familiar urgency rising up inside me, urging me to smooth things over, lighten the mood, or take responsibility for something that was never mine to begin with.
Perhaps you can relate to this too?
⚠️ Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around certain people?
⚠️ Do you apologize often – even when something isn’t your fault?
⚠️ Are you hyper-aware of other people’s stress, moods and emotions?
⚠️ Do you feel personally responsible for fixing things or making others feel better?
⚠️ Does someone else’s bad day instantly become your emergency to solve?
If you’re nodding along, please know that your nervous system is simply doing what it learned to do to survive. And it did help you survive. 💛
For so many trauma survivors, our hyper-awareness of others’ emotions isn’t a character flaw or weakness – it’s an adaptive survival skill that protected us when we needed it most.
As children, we were wired to read between the lines, anticipate danger, and adjust our behavior to avoid conflict or punishment. When our home environments were unpredictable or volatile, we learned:
💥 If I can keep things “just right,” maybe they won’t explode
💥 If I can please them or make them happy, maybe I’ll be safe
💥 If I can just stay alert – stay one step ahead – then maybe I can prevent the worst from happening. Maybe the other shoe won’t drop…
And here’s the thing that keeps this pattern so firmly entrenched: sometimes it did work. Not always, but just enough that our brains and nervous systems internalized this as a necessary strategy for survival.
As an adult, this old pattern has shown up for me around the idea of conflict.
Back then – arguments, like the one at the dinner table, felt – and were – excruciatingly unsafe to me. For a long time this fear impacted my marriage, causing me to avoid disagreements and “conflict” with my husband, Alex.
Even though I knew consciously that he was a safe person, I’d find myself scanning his face and body for signs of “displeasure”.
Was his brow furrowed? Did he sigh in exasperation? Was his tone sharp?
I’d constantly ask him “are you mad at me?” And, if we ever did have an argument, it would send me into a downward spiral of panic and despair.
He would feel relief at getting something off his chest and clearing the air – understanding that arguments are sometimes a necessary part of a healthy relationship.
But – I’d be deep in a rabbit hole, planning my escape. Where would I live? How would I support myself after the inevitable divorce?!
Because back then, love was conditional, I still equated conflict today – even a single argument – with the end of the marriage. Rejection, abandonment, withdrawal of love.
As a child, love was contingent on my best behavior – requiring perfection, and compliance. Disagreement on the other hand, meant danger, threat and punishment.
Can you see how this childhood pattern found its way into my marriage?
Fortunately, over the years we’ve worked on this a lot together. Yes, the pattern still rears its head from time to time, mostly when I’m stressed or triggered by other things, but it’s so much better! And – our ability to recognize it for what it was – an old safety mechanism – was the first step towards healing this pattern.🥰
Even when we’re no longer in danger and the threats from our past are gone, these survival patterns don’t simply disappear. For adult survivors of childhood trauma, they can continue to show up in our daily lives:
💥 You take on emotional labor in relationships, feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy.
💥 You struggle to let people feel their discomfort without trying to solve it for them.
💥 You avoid conflict at all costs – even at the expense of your own needs.
💥 You feel anxious when someone is upset, even if it has nothing to do with you.
If you’re recognizing yourself in these descriptions, what I really want you to hear and understand today is that – you are not broken and there is hope.
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe back then. 🌷💕
As adults, however, we can begin to understand:
🌱 Other people’s moods and emotions are not our responsibility.
🌱 We don’t have to prevent every conflict to be safe.
🌱 We are allowed to exist without “managing” the world around us.
We can’t force ourselves to “just stop it.” That approach rarely works with trauma-patterns and can bring up feelings of guilt and shame – exacerbating the cycle and leaving us feeling worse. Instead, it’s important for us to gently support our nervous system so it feels safer as we begin to loosen and release this old pattern.
Here are three trauma-informed approaches that have really helped me with this:
Before you try to change the behavior, begin to notice it gently, with curiosity and self-compassion.
The next time you feel that familiar urge to manage someone else’s emotions, try to pause and ask yourself:
💫 What sensations am I feeling in my body right now?
💫 Where do I feel tension, tightness, or urgency or panic?
💫 If this feeling had a color, shape, or temperature, what would it be?
Maybe you notice a tightening in your chest, a flutter in your stomach, or an overwhelming urge to “do something – anything” to make things better.
Rather than immediately acting on these sensations, see if you can just sit with them for a moment. Place a hand over your heart or belly and gently remind yourself:
“This feeling is old. It is not about right now. I am safe in this moment now.”
In my case, I’ve found it really helpful to practice this pause by telling myself:
“Even though I’m noticing this panic rising inside me, and I’m aware that I’m scanning for danger, I recognize that I am safe right here right now. AND, unless someone tells me directly that they are upset about something, I am NOT going to jump to conclusions or make up a story in my head.”
EFT Tapping is one of my favorite tools for calming the nervous system and creating a safe container for us to process our old survival patterns.
Try tapping through the points as you say these statements (or modify them to fit your specific experience ☺️):
Setup Statement (Side of the Hand):
“Even though I feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings, I honor that this was a way I kept myself safe. And I’m open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to do this anymore.”
Tapping Through the Points:
Take a deep breath and notice how you feel now. It’s completely okay if you’re not ready to let go of this pattern completely. Just opening the door to the possibility is enough to begin with. 🥰
If you’ve spent your whole life managing others’ emotions, setting boundaries might not only feel difficult but dangerous too. If this is the case for you, please know that it’s important to meet yourself exactly where you are right now, and start with something tiny – something that feels safe and manageable to you.
The next time you’re around someone who’s in a bad mood, instead of rushing to make them feel better, try:
🌼 Silently reminding yourself: “This is not mine to fix”.
🌼 Try repeating: “Their mood is not my responsibility”.
🌼 Letting them have their feelings without stepping in.
🌼 Practicing sitting with your own discomfort instead of acting on it.
I can’t pretend that any of this feels easy or natural at first – it absolutely does not! In fact, in the beginning, working with these old patterns caused me a lot of panic and a frequent desire to unzip my skin, climb out and bolt…😮💨🏃🏻♀️
But, with perseverance and gentle practice, it will get easier. Your nervous system will begin to register and understand that you are safer now, and that you no longer need to manage everything and everyone around you.
Over time, I’ve noticed a shift in myself in lots of little ways. I used to apologize for everything. But this has decreased radically. 😃
And, while it’s natural for us all to want to look for the big, dramatic shifts – true and lasting healing really comes in the tiny, incremental shifts.
For so long, I believed that keeping the peace was my job, my responsibility. That, if I could just manage things perfectly, I could somehow control the chaos around me.
It’s taken me years to really understand and embody the fact that this chaos was never mine to control in the first place.
If you’ve carried a weight like this too, please know:
🌱 You don’t have to fix everything to be worthy of love.
🌱 Other people’s emotions are not your responsibility to manage.
🌱 You are allowed to exist without managing the world around you.
And if that feels scary to even think about this – that’s okay too.💕
You don’t have to release old patterns and ways of coping all at once. You don’t have to “stop” overnight.
And if you do feel at all anxious or overwhelmed by this, perhaps try starting with just one small step. One breath. One moment where you remind yourself:
“I am safe right here, right now. This burden is not mine to carry. I get to put it down now, even if only for a moment.”
I’d love to know how this pattern of taking responsibility for others’ emotions has shown up in your life?
What’s one small way you’re practicing releasing this responsibility? Leave a comment below—I read every one. 💛
I see you my friend! I honor your journey, and I’m here walking this path right alongside you. 🌷☀️
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Overwhelmed with emotion after reading your blog. At 65 years old, I continue to walk on egg shells and apologize to anyone and everyone. If a stranger in the grocery store has a furrowed angry brow, I take it on. My existence/appearance must be to blame. It’s an exhausting way to live, and I am never at peace. I know the floodgates must open, somehow, in order for me to begin to heal. I will begin, slowly, to follow your recommendations. Thank you, Karen, for your honesty and openness in sharing your experiences. You have given me hope.
Hi Holly, Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling after reading this blog. The topics I cover can certainly bring things up to the surface and make us feel a bit raw for a while. So I do urge you to be extra gentle with yourself today as you let this settle. What’s a tiny thing you could do for yourself today? Snuggle under cozy blankets with warm soup or tea? 🫖 Watch a comfort movie or show?
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced and still feel that “walking on eggshells” feeling. I know it can be so very challenging. Please know that it was not and is not your fault. And perhaps it doesn’t have to be floodgates that open in order to begin to heal? What if you could open this up just 1%? Just let a tiny bit out and a tiny bit of relief in? Would that feel a little more do-able? I’m sending you so much love and courage today Holly. 🌷💕
Thank you Karen, starting my day with your blog was a tremendous help. I will start with the 1%, as you have recommended.
Oh that’s great Holly! Let me know how that works for you. 😃
Your blogs resonate so strongly with me. Thank you for all you share.
I have been reading about HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons)… and really resonating with that as well. I was starting to think that I was an HSP with a trauma history (childhood sexual abuse). Then, I read your “hypervigilance around other’s emotions” and wondered if that explains my high sensitivity to tone, facial features, awareness of, (ability to feel) the emotions of others… any thoughts?
Hi Kathy, I’m so glad my blogs resonate with you. 🥰 It’s not easy to say for sure where it may stem from for you. But I would encourage you to explore this, perhaps with a coach or therapist, if you are wanting to begin to dig deeper into your healing. We can become hyper-aware of and sensitive to things like tone as I describe in this blog, for many different reasons. Your reasons will be unique for you. I wish you all the very best as you begin to look at this. You’re tremendously brave and courageous and please know that I’m here for you, cheering you on Kathy. And I’m so glad you’re here. 🌱🤗
Every single thing that you have shared hits home for me. The one thing that consistently works for me is EFT Tapping. I do it most days. At times when I feel myself heightening regarding emotions I will simply tap my wrist together or tap on the collarbone point to calm myself. I work on reminding myself that others problems are not mine and I don’t have to fix them. It takes constant work. My go to response is to hide away and isolate myself. The trouble with this is my quality of life diminishes and that’s not what I want.
Your encouragement through emails and these blogs are helpful. I feel seen heard and understood.
Thank you,
Donna
Hi Donna, I’m so happy to hear that you find Tapping so helpful and also that you use it so consistently. That’s amazing! 😃 I can relate to the desire to isolate/hide. I truly hope that over time, you’re more and more able to reach out towards connection with safe people in those moments. Sending you so much love today. 💕
This post really resonated with me today Karen. I found myself thinking about those eggshell days of watching everyone else’s facial expressions and body language for danger. My favorite tactic was to flee: if I could leave and go outside for hours I would do this, riding my bike in circles while my mind was going with a daydream. If I couldn’t leave, I would dissociate where I was, almost becoming catatonic by keeping silent and tuning everything out. I still do a less severe version of these two coping mechanisms when people start arguing or are showing signs of distress. I’m getting better using tapping and breathing exercises to calm down and am trying not to disappear so often.
Hi Mary – ooh yes I can relate to the fleeing. I used to go climb my favorite tree in the woods and sit in it for hours – up high out of the way. It’s great that you’re able to notice the “less severe versions” that you’re still using to navigate stress and overwhelm today. I wonder – in moments that do feel overwhelming – have you tried imagining yourself fleeing or imagining riding that bike? Riding it to somewhere safer? You can create anywhere from a desert island to the moon! 😀
Oftentimes, letting ourselves imagine what we want to do (whether that be fight or flight) calms our nervous system and allows it complete the threat response cycle. It can be extremely helpful, especially in those times where we can’t actually leave – at a social gathering or in a business meeting for example. If it feels right to you Mary, give it a try in a low-ish stress situation and see how it feels.
Thinking of you and sending love and support to you today. 🥰
Oh Karen how your words hit home! I’ve only just started with things you have suggested but this really hit me hard! I would constantly worry over her anticipated mood. This is horrible but when my sister called to say she had passed my only reaction was”I hope she’s happy now”. That’s all I could say, I didn’t even cry and to this day i it hasn’t bothered me. As I had told you I’m 87 yrs old now and still the same way. I’ve been having trouble with my car and I have very strong feelings if were to break down I might totally lose control bc it would all be my fault and my daughter treats me sort of the way she did (controlling l). I walk on eggs with her at all times always trying to figure out ahead of time how to react to her but I can’t ever speak back to her as she cuts me off! Sorry to go on and on but you’re the only one who truly understands. Thank you!
Hi Carol, this makes total sense that you’d feel this way and have those feelings around her passing. I’m sorry you still have to walk on egg shells around your daughter, that’s so very challenging. Sending you lots of love and gentle compassion today Carol. 🤗💕