Another Mother’s Day is upon us, and as I’ve grown in my own healing and reflected on this holiday over the years, I’ve come to appreciate just how layered and complex this day can be – especially for those of us who’ve experienced childhood, developmental, or attachment trauma. 💗
For some, this day may be a wonderful celebration. Perhaps you have a loving, healthy, fulfilling relationship with your mother or a mother figure in your life. If so, I genuinely wish you a joy-filled day of connection and appreciation. 🥰
But I also know that for many others (perhaps someone you love, if not you), this day can stir up a whirlwind of emotions – from pain and anger to sadness, grief, loneliness and longing.
For those of us who fall into this latter category, I want to stress one thing above all: there is no right or wrong way to feel on Mother’s Day.
Each year, the media bombards us with idyllic images and narratives of happy families with gifts and cards filled with gushing sentiment.
Social media amplifies this effect, with feeds overflowing with perfect mother-daughter brunches and heartfelt tributes.
But what about those of us for whom there is no card, no words to describe our relationship – or lack – thereof?
I can’t count the number of times I’ve scoured the aisles looking for the right card with the right words..only to walk away empty – handed.
💔Perhaps you never had a mother figure, or had one who was – or is – abusive in some way.
💔Maybe you’re estranged, or perhaps your mother is no longer living.
💔Perhaps you’re dealing with loss, bereavement or fertility challenges.
💔Or maybe you’re navigating the complex emotions of being a mother yourself while healing from your own childhood wounds.
Whatever our situation, we can find ourselves feeling isolated on the outskirts, weighed down by anger, guilt, shame or sadness – wondering if we’re the only ones not celebrating. Perhaps wondering what we did wrong..
If you can relate to this, please know that you’re not alone in these feelings. There are many of us sitting with complexity and mixed emotions this Mother’s Day.
If any of this does resonate with you, I’d like to offer some gentle approaches that have helped me navigate this challenging day with just a little more ease and self-compassion:
1) Practice Intentional Self-Care:
It’s so important to take care of yourself this weekend. That could mean taking a long bath, going for a hike, reading a book, or doing anything else that brings you respite, comfort, or peace. You are allowed – encouraged, even – to make your needs a priority. As odd as it may sound, I’m super excited for a spring-cleaning date with my closet! 😉
2) Allow Yourself to Feel Without Judgment:
Whatever emotions surface for you, try to create a little space to be with them, to witness them and feel them without judging yourself. I know this can be challenging – we often want to distract ourselves to avoid feeling grief or anger. But even just a few minutes of acknowledging what’s present can bring tremendous relief.
Maybe take out your favorite journal and let your words tumble out onto the page. No one else needs to see them, but getting your feelings out will likely really help.
3) Tap Through the Emotions:
Yes – my favorite tool! Maybe you notice yourself feeling especially snappy or irritable with those around you. This can often be a sign that there’s something deeper waiting to be felt and processed. A little tapping could be really helpful in creating safe space for these emotions:
Tapping Setup Statement:
Side of Hand Point:
“Even though Mother’s Day brings up complicated feelings for me, I deeply and completely accept myself and how I feel today.”
Tapping Sequence:
🌿 Eyebrow: These mixed emotions about Mother’s Day
🌿 Side of Eye: It’s okay that this day is difficult for me
🌿 Under Eye: I honor my own unique experience and truth
🌿 Under Nose: I give myself permission to feel whatever’s coming up for me
🌿 Chin: My feelings are valid, no matter what others may expect
🌿 Collarbone: I can create safety for myself today
🌿 Under Arm: I am worthy of peace and self-compassion
🌿 Top of Head: I trust my journey and honor my own healing timeline
Great – now take a deep breath in and out, and check in with yourself. If it feels helpful, you might want to continue with another round of self-affirming phrases:
💫 Eyebrow: I am enough exactly as I am
💫 Side of Eye: My worth isn’t defined by my family relationships
💫 Under Eye: I can create new meanings and traditions for this day
💫 Under Nose: I choose to release the pressure to feel or act a certain way
💫 Chin: I give myself permission to do what feels nurturing to me today
💫 Collarbone: I am creating my own path of healing
💫 Under Arm: It’s safe to take care of myself first
💫 Top of Head: I embrace my story and my journey with compassion
Remember that even a few minutes of tapping can help shift your energy and create more emotional spaciousness around any difficult feelings.
4) Establish and Honor Your Boundaries:
It’s absolutely okay to decline invitations or activities that could cause you emotional distress this weekend. If you’ve been invited to a family gathering but know it will be too difficult, give yourself permission to say no – even if you’ve already agreed to go!
Your emotional well-being matters. And if you do choose to participate in gatherings, try planning short breaks away from the crowd and early exit strategies in advance. It’s completely ok to go to an event, but do set an end-time if that’s helpful.
5) Connect with Understanding Support:
On days that highlight difficult relationships, we can feel particularly alone. It takes courage, but reaching out to a friend, therapist, or other trusted person who understands your experience can be incredibly validating. You don’t have to carry these feelings in isolation.
6) Create Your Own Meaningful Rituals:
If traditional Mother’s Day celebrations are painful for you, consider creating new traditions or rituals that honor your journey and values.
This could be planting something in your garden to symbolize growth, writing in your journal, making a firepit, having a special meal with chosen-family or friends, or donating your time to a cause that speaks to you.
As my own Mother’s Day tradition has evolved, I still cherish the White Birch sapling that my husband, Alex and the kids planted with me a few years ago.
It’s grown noticeably since then – a living reminder of putting down healthy roots with my chosen family. I see it every time I look out of my kitchen window – a sweet and happy reminder of how healing can unfold in unexpected ways.
As you navigate this Mother’s Day weekend, please remember that your feelings and experiences are real and valid.
There’s no obligation to “perform” happiness or gratitude if that’s not your authentic experience.
There’s no requirement to buy cards with sentiments that don’t reflect your reality.
(Although – there may be something very healing to be said for buying a sappy card and writing what you’d really like to say instead!!) 😉
And there’s absolutely no shame in creating a day that honors your truth, whatever that may be.
I’ll be thinking of you this weekend and want to remind you that you’re not alone in these complex feelings.
I see you and I honor your experience.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. Does Mother’s Day bring up complicated emotions for you? What strategies have helped you navigate this day in the past? And what’s one thing you’re choosing to do for YOU this Mother’s Day?
With you on this journey,
Karen 🌷
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Thank you Karen for this helpful post. One of the best things I ever did was go no contact with my birth mother. I do feel bad at times, as most of my friends with childhood trauma had bad fathers, while I am the only one with an abusive mother. I opt out of the mother’s day emails (thank God that retailers are now giving that option) and find small ways to express gratitude for my dad and grandmother who helped me survive. I do try to stay away from others who are celebrating and walk in the forest preserve by myself which is cleansing.
Hi Mary,
It is indeed extremely challenging. It’s seen in society as more common or even accepted that fathers can be abusive. And so there is a deep disconnect and a kind of taboo around the idea of abusive mothers and the “mother-wound’ in general. It makes it all the more difficult to work with these painful wounds without feeling completely alone or ostracized by the “narrative” of the “nurturing/loving mother” that society promotes – especially on Mother’s Day. I’m so glad that you’ve set such a healthy boundary around the emails that you receive. I’m really glad that you’re able to give thanks to those who helped you survive in your own way. And that you’ve found a way to protect and cleanse your energy – the forest and nature in general is such a wonderful way to do this. Take good care of you Mary. 🌿
Hi Karen.
Loved this blog, thank you. Holidays seem to be hard for me, all holidays. Mother’s and Father’s day are both challenging. I was doing some inner inventory and noticing many emotions-parts- and I welcomed and validated them all. Emotions around my childhood and the complex trauma, and emotions around parenting my tribe. As a hsp feelings can get intense….Church is always awkward on this day especially. Especially when they ask you to stand. Part of me wants to be honored and loved as a mom( of 11!). Part of me cringes at the attention and feels unworthy. Part of me feels numb and confused. Part of me had deep disappointment, sadness and grief. Part of me is extremely grateful for the gift of co creating and learning from my teachers- my children.
Today I am taking a 90 minute nap/ rest and I was intentional about what I wanted the day to look like and bought my own grass fed tri tip for my family to cook.💃🎉
Hi Suzanne,
I’m so glad you enjoyed this blog. I can completely understand holidays being hard. I’m so happy that you were able to make space and time for your different parts and different emotions to come forwards to be heard, seen and validated. Excellent work holding space for them. It’s not an easy thing to do, I know. 💕 It’s wonderful that you were able to listen to your needs and rest intentionally and then also to plan the day in a way that felt good to you. How are you feeling now? Thinking of you Suzanne. 😀